Tag Archives: Statistics

Joke 643

26 Dec
Drunk Zebra Crossing near British Museum

Drunk Zebra Crossing near British Museum (Photo credit: Paul Nicholson)

I’ve been reading some statistics on the most common way people walk when drunk.  

It’s staggering.

*

*

Thanks to my friend Shanaz for this one.

Joke 578

22 Oct

These are for an old school friend who is a statistician and sometimes reads my blog.  The law of averages suggests he won’t read it today, but you never know.

The inside of a hot air balloon's envelope, se...

The inside of a hot air balloon’s envelope, seen from the gondola. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The first one is from statisticsjokes.

A historian, an engineer and a statistician are duck hunting.  A duck rises from the lake.

The historian fires first, and shoots 10′ over the duck.

Then the engineer shoulders the shotgun and shoots 10′ under the duck.

The statistician exclaims “Got him!”

This one is from stats.stackexchange.com.

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he’s lost.  He lowers himself over a field and shouts to another guy on the ground, “Can you tell me where I am, and which way I’m headed?”

“Sure!  You’re at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west.  You’re at 212 meters above sea level.  Right now, you’re hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians.”

“Thanks!  By the way, are you a statistician?”

“I am!  But how did you know?”

“Everything you’ve told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it’s no use to me at all!”

“Dang!  By the way, are you a principal investigator?”

“I am!  How’d you know that?”

“You don’t know where you are, you don’t know where you’re going.  You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you’re in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

Nature v Nurture v Nutter

2 Nov
Important Statistics

Image by DrJohnBullas via Flickr

What % of who and what you are is determined by genetics vs your own choices?

Let me just get my PhD in The Science Of Genetics And Other Stuff You Never Expected To Need To Be A Blogger and check…I know I’ve got one somewhere; I found it in my email spam box…ah, yes, here it is.  Now, percentages, genetics…

% – a funny symbol used by mathematicians and WordPress prompters to prove that they have too much time on their hands. 

Genetics – nervous habits inherited from your parents (think about it…)

Choices – those things you used to have before marriage and children.

Here’s a diagram of me:

Tilly Bud

I am made up of

  • 37% laughter
  • 24% secret laughter
  • 18% Maltesers
  • 21% phony statistics

My Dad liked to laugh and eat chocolates (he used to steal from the sweet drawer my Mum kept for the grandchildren and more than once she would say, Let’s see what Grandma’s got for you here and find herself with an empty drawer and a skriking toddler), so that’s genetic.

My Mum never made up statistics, seventy percent of the time, so that’s neither genetic nor environment and must come from the thumbsuck part of my development.

So there you have it: I’m a laughing chocolate ball with a mean streak. 

And they say education is a waste of resources…!

  

Joke 200

10 Oct

I just got back from a statistical probability conference.  It was average.

*

Joke 20

13 Apr

Why Americans Are Tired; by an American.

For a couple years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep, not enough sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax build-up, poor blood, or anything else I could think of. But now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked. Here’s why: The population of this country is 300 million.

Funny Online Work Jokes

150 million are retired.

That leaves 150 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school, which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 30 million employed by the federal government, leaving 25 million to do the work.

3.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing vicious dictators. Which leaves 21.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 18,800,000 people who work for state and city governments, and that leaves 2.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 2,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 2,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And there you are sitting, at your computer, reading jokes.

Two Down; Ten To Go

1 Mar
A "Penrose stairs" optical illusion

Image via Wikipedia

You made it through month two.  How does it feel?  How has your blog evolved since you began the challenge? Have your posting strategies changed? What are you most proud of achieving thus far?

I think the best way to answer these is to make up a few statistics.  I’ll throw in some genuine numbers and leave you to figure out which ones are real.

  • Months passed: two
  • Months it takes to get pregnant: depends how drunk the teenager is
  • Irrelevant statistics in this post: seven
  • Posts made: 110
  • Days passed: 59
  • Readers lost: most
  • New subscribers: 11
  • Maltesers eaten: might be easier to count the grains of sand on a beach
  • Beaches visited: none
  • Draft posts desperate for an airing: 3
  • Daft posts written by a desperate airhead: 109
  • Links established: just have to work how to do it first
  • Dull prompts given: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
  • Dull prompts answered: most
  • Polls created: 2
  • Useful polls created: 0
  • Typo-induced swoons: 5
  • Comments: do you really think I’ve got time to sit and count the number of comments made in the past two months?
  • 593
  • Comments since blog’s inception: 4340
  • Movies watched called ‘Inception’: 1
  • Comprehension of movies watched called ‘Inception’: 1
  • Arguments won about the endings of movies watched called ‘Inception’: 1 (a moral victory; the moral being, don’t start with me, mister, unless you want to wear that popcorn)
  • Number of people who think LeodiC looks like a fatter, shorter Eric Dane from Grey’s Anatomy: 1
  • Number of people shocked to just now discover there was some sort of sex scandal about Eric Dane and his wife: 1
  • Number of prudes writing this blog: 1
  • Pingbacks: I can’t afford new shoes
  • Tags: 371
  • Tags in Friends: 1
  • Episodes of Friends watched this year: 130
  • Friends ignored while watching 130 episodes of Friends this year: all 
  • New pages created: 1
  • Chuffed creators of new page: 1
  • Pages lost and had to be retrieved by someone who knew what they were doing: 935
  • Fun had writing this post: lots
%d bloggers like this: