Tag Archives: Teeth

Joke 945

24 Oct
best dentist cartoon ever

best dentist cartoon ever (Photo credit: davechiu)

Q: What does the dentist of the year get?

A: A little plaque.

Q: What is a dentist’s office?

A: A filling station.

Q: What did the dentist see at the North Pole?

A: A molar bear.

Q: What did the dentist say to the golfer?

A: “You have a hole in one.”

Q: Why does a dentist seem moody?

A: Because he always looks down in the mouth.

Every member of the family should form the hab...

Every member of the family should form the habit of brushing the teeth (Photo credit: Government & Heritage Library, State Library of NC)

Q: What did the werewolf eat after he’d had his teeth taken out?

A: The dentist.

Q: Why do dentists like potatoes?

A: Because they are so filling.

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocaine injection during root canal treatment?

A: He wanted to transcend dental medication. 

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/dentistjokes/dentistonelinersjokes.html

 

A Veneer Of Respectability

27 Jun
Lovely eggs

Lovely eggs (Photo credit: zhouxuan12345678)

So I was eating a soft-boiled egg yesterday when I felt a tooth fall off. I’ve eaten nothing but soft food for 48 hours, in a bid to keep the tooth in place.  That worked.  Not.

It wasn’t a tooth, thankfully; it was the veneer of the tooth which snapped off on Monday.  The new cement the dentist used has kept the actual tooth in place.  

The veneer must have been a little loose: it has a mind of its own and has made a bid for freedom at least three times before.  The veneer on the right front tooth is more of a homebody and likes to stay stuck to my inside.  Like my children, one gives me many problems; one none at all (they’re going to read this and assume the good one is the reader and the troubled one is the other; my boys will probably do the same).

Do yourself a favour – never get veneers.  Looking back on it, shaving off half my tooth to make it look better is probably not a great idea.  I suspect that has contributed to the whole tooth-snapping-off-in-a-corn-on-the-cob thing.

My dentist’s receptionist squeezed me in again and my dentist used the new cement which has kept the tooth in place to fix the veneer; and promised to squeeze me in once more if she gets a cancellation before my crown appointment.  My dentist and her staff are great.

I wrote a poem for them, a fluffy Thank You.  I did think about taking them some chocolates but that’s what got me into trouble in the first place.  Here’s the poem:

*

Corn On The Cob

For Alison & Stephanie

Corn on the cob
attacked me gob

Me tooth snapped off
which made me sob

No duck apple
for me to bob

Me mouth was robbed
by corn on the cob

*

IMG_5113.jpg

It had its first airing on Tuesday, at the poetry reading.  Socially Yours is a group which meets every Tuesday in our church, though it is run by an outside agency. It’s a chance to chat, play quizzes and bingo, socialise.  Sometimes they have a guest to entertain them…that was me.

I read in two halves: first, from ancient to modern, like the hymns; and then some of my own poems.  I had fun, though I couldn’t feel my tongue by the time I had finished, my mouth was so dry from nerves: fidgety old ladies are a tough audience.

Talking of poems, here’s something to really make me smile: I’ve just had an email to say that one of my South African poems has been accepted for an anthology by the University of London, on human rights.

Here’s their blurb: 

We are looking for poems that focus on any human rights or social justice issue, national or international, current or historical.  Poems could explore refugee rights, freedom of speech, indigenous peoples’ rights, LGBTI rights, economic rights or environmental justice – the opportunities are endless! 

The Human Rights Consortium is a multidisciplinary collaborative centre for research into human rights and social justice issues. For inspiration, please visit our current project pages (see sidebar). You can follow the Human Rights Consortium on Twitter or like us on Facebook to receive project-related news and updates about human rights. 

The Human Rights Poetry Anthology will be selected, compiled and edited by academics with expertise in human rights and English studies from the School of Advanced Study (University of London); and the Keats House Poets, a collective of young poets supported by the Keats House Museum who actively write and perform poems about human rights issues.

They sound like a barrel of tooth veneers, don’t they? 

We will stick together..smile together..be tog...

We will stick together..smile together..be together… (Photo credit: Thai Jasmine (Smile..smile…Smile..))

Joke 825

26 Jun
ATT00076 Cat joke cartoon

ATT00076 Cat joke cartoon (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

“Open wider,” requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.

“Good grief!” he said, startled. “You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen – the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen…”

“OK Doc!” replied the patient. “I’m scared enough without you saying something like that twice.”

“I didn’t!” said the dentist. “That was the echo.”

*

From dentalaffairs.com

Mona Lisa Smile

24 Jun

I lofe corn on the cob.  Not any more.

Thorry if I theem to be lithping a bit – 2/3 of my front tooth now rethideth in tonigh’th dinner.  It thnapped off.  Jutht thnapped off!  At leatht now I know why the Mona Litha nefer thmiled with her mouth open…gummy as Poth Thpice.

I’m thuppothed to be gifing a poetry reading tomorrow.

Not gonna happen, unleth my dentitht workth a miracle.

 

Smile And You Smile Alone

21 Oct

This is a reblog of a post from October 2010.

mouth

mouth (Photo credit: Darwin Bell)

We haven’t talked about my manky teeth for a while.  I have the worst teeth in the world.  When Americans whisper behind their hands about British mouths, it’s me they’re thinking of. 

I had root canal treatment on my front tooth, twenty-odd years ago.  Being dead, it got greyer and greyer until I begged my dentist to help me.  He suggested veneers – in the plural, because one’s front gnashers should match. 

I told my friend Flo about it and she thought it was a great idea until she spoke to her own dentist.  Next time I saw her, I asked her if she was going to have her own teeth done but she fobbed me off.  She didn’t want to upset newly veneered me, or make me feel uncomfortable.  I knew she was fobbing me off by the way she blushed and ran to the other side of the playground every time teeth were mentioned.

I never did learn what horror story her dentist told her about veneers, but I can take a good guess.  First of all, installing them hurts.  My teeth were sanded down to nothing and every time I breathed (which I do a lot of; there’s no getting round it) it felt like a gale force wind was prodding my pearly yellows with a skewer.  Then the cement used to stick the veneers on was so adhesive, it dried before my dentist had time to remove the excess.  My mouth spent weeks looking as if it had been grouted to match my bathroom.

Worst of all, the cement only seems to work on the gaps between the teeth: my veneers have fallen off several times and always have to be glued back on. I was on my way out one night when it happened again.  ‘I don’t know why it does that,’ I said to the Hub as I finished my chewy lollipop.

Smile

Smile (Photo credit: Tim Zim)

I don’t go out with a broken mouth.  It’s one of my rules.  My dentist agreed to fix it next morning.  She keeps a spare appointment just for me: I am forever losing crowns, fillings, veneers and bits of old tooth that I don’t use anymore.

I hope my children read this as a cautionary tale: brush your teeth twice a day for three minutes.  If you don’t, I’m warning you: I’m going to smile.

 

Me & My Manky Teeth

1 Jul

I wasn’t joking the other day – if it wasn’t for modern dentistry and our wonderful (absolutely no irony intended here) NHS, I would look like this:

I have always had manky teeth.  I blame the parents.  They didn’t make me brush my teeth as a child, and now I’m reaping the reward.  It has nothing to do with my intimate relationship with chocolate, of course.

I have had five oral infections in about seven years – all leading to horrendous but necessary treatment: teeth pulling, poking around with sharp sticks, and an intermittent speech impediment.  Yet I brush my teeth at least twice a day.

Woot canal tweatment looms on Tuesday, now that the antibiotics I’ve been taking for five days have calmed the infection in my tooth-that-isn’t-a-tooth-so-much-as-a-massive-filling-with-gums.

Don’t worry – it won’t affect my blogging; in fact, it does me a favour – it’s been a while since I shared a horror story with you.  Something to look forward to.

If I had been born over a century ago, I’d probably be dead.  Not because of ancient dentistry: anyone born over a century ago is probably dead by now.  It’s simple mathematics. 

But I would probably have been dead at twenty from my first infection that led to root canal treatment that gave me a dark front tooth that made me look like Posh Spice because I never smiled in photographs.  Even now that the tooth has been veneered – although it tends to come off when I eat toffee lollies – I still smile with my mouth closed for photos.  Check out my old ones and you’ll see.

Tory Boy might have killed me as well.  It wasn’t dentistry that saved me that time, you’ll be disappointed to hear; but Dr Faktor in Park Town, Johannesburg, who saw me the week before my due date and booked me in for a caesarean eight days later.  He saw me again on my due date; told me TB was still breached (breeched?  I’m never sure: either he broke our contract or he came out wearing trousers); to go home; relax; come back tomorrow for the op.  No op = a baby coming out sideways = let’s not go there.

The Hub took me out to eat and to a movie: Look Who’s Talking.  I never give birth now, without thinking of Bruce Willis.

I bet he has good teeth.

Cover of "Look Who's Talking"

Cover of Look Who’s Talking

 

A Tooth Story

6 Apr
teeth

teeth (Photo credit: jfraser)

It’s not the first time people have thought a member of my family was being abused.  Here’s a true story from my childhood.

My Dad worked shifts and when he was on nights my little brother would come home from primary school, wake him up, and they would wrestle for a while, as dads and sons do. 

Little brother’s baby teeth were loose and one time when he was wrestling, his two front teeth were knocked, and fell out.  Two days later we had a social worker on our doorstep.  It seems that little brother had gone into school next day and a member of staff had asked him what had happened to his teeth.  Little brother had innocently replied, ‘Oh, my Dad kicked them out.’

Mum had a hard job explaining that away.

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