Tag Archives: Toilet

A True Story

16 Apr
Česky: Záchodová mísa English: Toilet bowl

Česky: Záchodová mísa English: Toilet bowl (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There was a moth swimming in the toilet bowl one morning.  Thinking it was dead, I flushed the loo. 

When I checked, amazingly, it was still alive, so I took pity and scooped it out.  It sat on the window sill, sopping wet.  I gave it a gentle blow dry with my breath. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t gentle enough because I blew it off the window sill; it landed on the pavement and a passing man trod on it. 

Cruel fate, but very funny.

*

I promised to schedule posts for you.  I never said they’d be interesting.

The Laughing Plumber

10 Mar

A stranger made me laugh yesterday

Hundertwasser Toilets

Hundertwasser Toilets (Photo credit: sbisson)

A leaking toilet is no laughing matter – you’d think; I beg to differ.  A Stockport Homes plumber came out yesterday to fix our downstairs loo – thankfully, leaking on the way in, not the way out.  He was quick and efficient and had time to chat over his coffee while a round thing sat in a bowl of boiling water, expanding and waiting to be fitted.

The Hub was keeping him company in the hallway while I was sitting at the computer.  We were both startled when the plumber suddenly confided, I broke up with my girlfriend last week.  Sympathetic noises from the Hub and then the plumber continued, She didn’t like me being a plumber so I had to tell her, “It’s over, Flo.”

And then he was off – rapid-fire one-liners, like he was in a virtual comedy war game and we were the enemy.  They came at us from every side and I wrote down as many as I could but I missed at least half, so you’ll have to make do with these:

  • I read a book on the history of superglue.  I couldn’t put it down.
  • I asked the barman for a bottle of water.  He asked me, ‘Still?’ ‘Yes,’ I said; ‘I haven’t changed my mind.’
  • I went shopping at the Trafford Centre.  I accidentally used my organ donor card instead of my credit card.  It cost me an arm and a leg.
  • Did you know six out of seven dwarves aren’t happy?
  • A woman tried to sell me a brand new, fifty-inch HD tv.  I thought it might be stolen but she said it was because the remote didn’t work.  I couldn’t turn it down.
  • I had double glazing windows installed but I could still feel a draught.  That was a pain.

Next time I run out of material for the daily joke, I’m sabotaging the upstairs toilet.

And if they didn’t make you smile, the story of a pod of rescued dolphins might.

Read more Six Word Saturdays here.

What’s That Coming Over The Flushing? Is It A Monster?

2 Jul
The Nose
Image by cliff1066™ via Flickr

Six Word Saturday:

Scary noise coming from the toilet.

My only excuse is that it was late and I was half-asleep.

I went to the loo last night and I wouldn’t share that information with you normally (rather like dogs on tv, bloggers are never seen going to the bathroom), but I can’t tell you this tale without it.

No, wait: let me start again…I was passing the toilet on the way to washing my hands, brushing my hair, my teeth, slathering my face in the cheap hand cream that keeps me looking younger than my years, when I noticed, over the flushing sound, a peculiar whirring noise.  I know there’s nothing mechanical in a toilet so I dared to lift the cistern lid.  There was nothing unusual in there, though I’m happy to report it is still nice and clean almost nine months after it was installed.

I waited.  The flushing stopped.  The whirring didn’t.

I must confess to being a little frightened (it was late; I was half-asleep), so I called my resident whirring noise expert, the Hub, to investigate, giving him as much room as he needed while I stood out of his way, shouting questions from behind the bedroom door farthest from the bathroom.

The man is a genius, if a little full of himself.  The noise stopped, but a more frightening one took its place…the sound of a husband laughing with glee at his idiot wife.  Turns out that, in my semi-somnambulant state, when I put the brush back I knocked the ‘on’ switch of my battery-operated nose hair clippers (a gift one Christmas from Spud, who that year bought me things he thought I needed).

I always thought the story about the ladies’ personal item which turned itself on and stopped a plane from taking off while they checked for a bomb was apocryphal; now I’m not so sure.  She was obviously asleep when she packed it.

The Hub Is Sooooo Annoying

26 Jan

Reading another blog, Ribshack Red, I was directed to this Daily Mail article ; it discusses a report which claims couples argue 312 times a year, on average.  I would say that is definitely not the case with the Hub and I: we argue maybe two or three times a year at most.  We squabble all day long, so we don’t often have the stomach for a real barney.

Look at the list of things that irritate most wives:

  1.  Stubble in the sink
  2. Dirty marks in the toilet
  3. Flicking TV channels
  4. Not replacing the toilet roll
  5. Leaving the seat up
  6. Leaving lights on
  7. Leaving dirty cups around the house
  8. Leaving wet towels on the floor/bed
  9. Hoarding stuff
  10. Not flushing the toilet

The only thing I can get him on is Number 9.  This may come as a shock to regular readers but he’s a dreadful hoarder, you know.  Here’s my own list in response:

  1. He washes the sink after shaving
  2. He knows how to use a toilet brush
  3. He flicks only at night when I am in bed
  4. He always replaces the toilet roll
  5. He has never left the seat up since that terrible November night of 2003 when I went to the loo in the dark and fell in
  6. He almost always turns off the lights: enough to get a pass if he forgets
  7. He hates to see dirty dishes left lying around and has us all quaking if we forget to take them out when we leave the room.  That’s his mother’s fault: the only advice she gave me on marrying her son was to ‘always clear away dirty dishes at night; you’ll feel better for it’
  8. Wet towels left lying around?  Perish the thought!  Think of the mould
  9. People who don’t flush unless they do a clear wee and/or need to save water are the scourge of the earth, is the gist of his thoughts on this last one

So I have no excuse to moan at him or reason to complain: does that not make him the most irritating husband in the world?

On Toilets

6 Nov

The question was raised after yesterday’s post, Why can’t dogs use a litter tray like any self-respecting cat?  Well, it appears that they can:

 

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