Tag Archives: Twitter

Joke 948

27 Oct

Remember!   The clocks went back last night so some of you will be getting this joke an hour earlier.  

Daylight savings time world

Daylight savings time world (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or later.  I never get the hang of Daylight Saving Time.  And I’m not the only one, apparently…

  • Salvador Dali’s note to self for daylight savings: “Don’t forget to melt the clocks.”
  • Congratulations clock next to my bed, you’re the right time again. Just took some patience.
  •  It sucks cause I also lost an hour back in February (I watched the pilot of ABC’s The River)
  • I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
  • If daylight savings time is throwing your brain for a loop today, wait ’til you hear this: “favorite” isn’t a verb.
  • Thank you daylight savings time for giving me an excuse to be an hour late to everything for the next week and a half.
  • Set all my clocks ahead 12 hours, so I’m good for the next 12 years.
  • Next year we should set the clocks ahead to when people have stopped making Daylight Savings jokes.

The original Twitter sources can be found at The Huff Post.

 

Joke 932

11 Oct
Happy Furry Friday, folks!

Happy Furry Friday, folks! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friday Facebook & Twitter Statuses

  • Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
  • I would like to thank you people for letting me know it’s Friday every week. It’s thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
  • Instead of that daylight savings crap why don’t we just move the clock ahead an hour every Friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on Sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour.
  • I’ve never met a Friday I didn’t like!
  • Family…Friends….Fun…Fridays. All good things start with “F”.
  • Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week.
  • Every day can be Friday if you’re really irresponsible.
  • My boss just informed me that “It’s FRIDAY” is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
  • Why are you all so excited it’s Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
  • If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.
  • Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, it’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday…
  • Finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
  • Welcome to Friday. In preparation for take off, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
  • Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
  • Well, it’s easy to tell I’m married. It’s Friday night and I’m at home updating my Facebook status…
  • It’s Friday night… So many innocent beers have no idea what’s coming for ‘em.
  • Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

From thejokecafe

Joke 840

11 Jul
Funny Twitter T-shirt

Funny Twitter T-shirt (Photo credit: Robert Scoble)

Funny One Liners from Twitter:

  • It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than to figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.
  • I remember when yoga was called Twister.
  • One of the ‘World’s Strongest Man’ events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
  • Childhood is like being drunk; everyone remembers what you did, except you.
  • We all think we’re pretty smart until we try to turn on someone else’s shower.
  • Another World’s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
  • Told the doctor I thought I had athlete’s foot. He looked at me and said, “I don’t think you have athlete’s anything.”
  • The kids text me “plz” Because it’s shorter than “please”. I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes”.

 

Joke 691

12 Feb

From Twitter Yesterday (via The Huffington Post):

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...

Image via CrunchBase

Do people on Twitter make jokes about news events? Is the Pope Catholic?

*

@sixthformpoet

Sixth Form Poet
The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
English: Logo of The Huffington Post

English: Logo of The Huffington Post (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

*
Suman Biswas
Now the Pope’s resigning? This horsemeat scandal is bigger than I thought.  [See?  I was right!  You heard it here first]
*
Deborah Orr
Oh, hang on. He’s just giving it up for lent.
*
Adam Hills
The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.
*
Simon Blackwell
Pope’s annual assessment obviously went really badly.
*
Lee Nelson
BREAKING: The #Pope is to leave Vatican City and join Vatican United #transfernews

Three Things

15 Nov

Tragedy by Steps at Merseyway Xmas lights last night

When I read this on Twitter today about my home town, I thought, ‘Oh no!’

They even had video:

I just read this on Facebook:

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.

A couple of weeks ago, we received a reminder card through the post that Toby and Molly were due to have their booster jabs.  There was also an offer to download a money-off coupon.  The Hub phoned the vet, made the appointment, and off we went yesterday.

They had no record of our appointment but fitted us in anyway.  Turns out Toby didn’t have his booster last year because, at the time we took the dogs, his lesions had returned, he needed antibiotics and he couldn’t have the booster at the same time.  He was injected several times at several appointments and we had thought as we cried into our wallets that one of those was his booster jab.  

Never mind – at least we had the money off coupons to make it a little easier this time.

No, we didn’t.  The coupons weren’t valid for this particular branch.  

We came away unimpressed yesterday – not only had our beloved dog been unprotected for a year, he needed to start a whole new course of immunisations at a boosted price, they wouldn’t accept our coupons and they hadn’t even known we were going to turn up despite the Hub making the appointment a week earlier.

When we got home there was a message on the answering machine:

Hello!  This is anonymous from another vet’s.  Toby and Molly missed their appointment for their boosters today.  If you would like to make another appointment, please call back on number given.

The Hub had made the appointment and downloaded the coupons for one vet’s practice, but we had visited another.

 

#RejectedOlympicEvents

31 Jul

 

A London Underground train decorated to promot...

A London Underground train decorated to promote London’s Olympic bid. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The hashtag #RejectedOlympicEvents is trending on Twitter.  I thought I’d share a few with you.

  • Cheap car park search in London
  • Tea brewing. This is London 2012, how it isn’t an event I will never know
  • Speed Dating
  • Dressage.  I don’t understand it
  • Hide and Seek
  • Running to and from a Chick Fil-A without being seen by your friends
  • Synchronised Knitting
  • Synchronised DM conversations; absolutely impossible to achieve
  • Twitter, 100 tweet freestyle, 400 meter tweeter
  • Opening the microwave in the shortest amount of time left before the bell goes off
  • The Hunger Games
  • Compulsive Picture Straightening
  • Doing something fast before the microwave time finishes
  • Quidditch. Stupid muggles
  • The Emergency Channel Change When You Discover Two And A Half Men Is On
  • Trying to put your key in the front door when drunk
  • Women’s Parallel Parking
  • Men’s 50 minute putting a 3-4 month old baby down for the night
  • Stiff Upper Lip-a-thon
  • Seeing which network can go the longest without mentioning Tebow, LeBron or Howard
  • Furtive Under-table Texting
  • Amount of grocery bags you can bring inside the house from the car in one go
  • Worseminton
  • The elevator close door button mash
  • The Macarena
  • Fitted Sheet Folding
  • 2am Drunk Texting Your Ex
  • 100m sprint for the bus.
  • Pin the Smile on Kristen Stewart
  • 5m sprint to charge laptop
  • Thinking up witty and euphemistic rejected Olympic events when everyone else has already thought up the best ones
  • Empty Seat Filling Race.  No Wait! It’s back in!
  • Twitter trend jokes

It’s still trending so go have a look for yourself and report back with the best ones.

 

Joke 449

15 Jun

 

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase
Image representing YouTube as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase

 

 

*

*

Thanks to Katherine Trauger‘s son for this one.

Announcement!

In the near-future, FaceBook, Twitter and You Tube are to merge. 

The new company will be known as YouTwitFace.

*

*

%d bloggers like this: