Tag Archives: Twitter

Joke 948

27 Oct

Remember!   The clocks went back last night so some of you will be getting this joke an hour earlier.  

Daylight savings time world

Daylight savings time world (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or later.  I never get the hang of Daylight Saving Time.  And I’m not the only one, apparently…

  • Salvador Dali’s note to self for daylight savings: “Don’t forget to melt the clocks.”
  • Congratulations clock next to my bed, you’re the right time again. Just took some patience.
  •  It sucks cause I also lost an hour back in February (I watched the pilot of ABC’s The River)
  • I just lost another hour trying to figure out how to reset the clock in my car.
  • If daylight savings time is throwing your brain for a loop today, wait ’til you hear this: “favorite” isn’t a verb.
  • Thank you daylight savings time for giving me an excuse to be an hour late to everything for the next week and a half.
  • Set all my clocks ahead 12 hours, so I’m good for the next 12 years.
  • Next year we should set the clocks ahead to when people have stopped making Daylight Savings jokes.

The original Twitter sources can be found at The Huff Post.


Joke 932

11 Oct
Happy Furry Friday, folks!

Happy Furry Friday, folks! (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Friday Facebook & Twitter Statuses

  • Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.
  • I would like to thank you people for letting me know it’s Friday every week. It’s thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
  • Instead of that daylight savings crap why don’t we just move the clock ahead an hour every Friday at noon so we get outta work early , then on Sunday move the clock back an hour at like 3AM so we can sleep that extra hour.
  • I’ve never met a Friday I didn’t like!
  • Family…Friends….Fun…Fridays. All good things start with “F”.
  • Coffee makes my mornings. But Friday makes my week.
  • Every day can be Friday if you’re really irresponsible.
  • My boss just informed me that “It’s FRIDAY” is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.
  • Why are you all so excited it’s Friday? Monday will be here in 5 minutes.
  • If my boss knew how unproductive I am on Fridays, he wouldn’t want me here either.
  • Thursday doesn’t even count as a day, it’s just the thing that’s blocking Friday…
  • Finally Friday! Felt like it took a week to get here!!
  • Welcome to Friday. In preparation for take off, please ensure all negative attitudes are properly stowed. On behalf of your captain, welcome aboard. I expect sunshine and good attitudes today for our trip. Enjoy the ride.
  • Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
  • Well, it’s easy to tell I’m married. It’s Friday night and I’m at home updating my Facebook status…
  • It’s Friday night… So many innocent beers have no idea what’s coming for ‘em.
  • Friday!!! I’m so glad you are back. I’m sorry you had to see me with Monday-Thursday, but I swear I was thinking of you the whole time.

From thejokecafe

Joke 840

11 Jul
Funny Twitter T-shirt

Funny Twitter T-shirt (Photo credit: Robert Scoble)

Funny One Liners from Twitter:

  • It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than to figure out how to limit their access to your Facebook page.
  • I remember when yoga was called Twister.
  • One of the ‘World’s Strongest Man’ events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
  • Childhood is like being drunk; everyone remembers what you did, except you.
  • We all think we’re pretty smart until we try to turn on someone else’s shower.
  • Another World’s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
  • Told the doctor I thought I had athlete’s foot. He looked at me and said, “I don’t think you have athlete’s anything.”
  • The kids text me “plz” Because it’s shorter than “please”. I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes”.


Joke 691

12 Feb

From Twitter Yesterday (via The Huffington Post):

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...

Image via CrunchBase

Do people on Twitter make jokes about news events? Is the Pope Catholic?



Sixth Form Poet
The Pope is hardly the first person to lose interest in their real job so soon after joining Twitter.
English: Logo of The Huffington Post

English: Logo of The Huffington Post (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Suman Biswas
Now the Pope’s resigning? This horsemeat scandal is bigger than I thought.  [See?  I was right!  You heard it here first]
Deborah Orr
Oh, hang on. He’s just giving it up for lent.
Adam Hills
The Pope is resigning. He will soon be known as Ex-Benedict.
Simon Blackwell
Pope’s annual assessment obviously went really badly.
Lee Nelson
BREAKING: The #Pope is to leave Vatican City and join Vatican United #transfernews

Three Things

15 Nov

Tragedy by Steps at Merseyway Xmas lights last night

When I read this on Twitter today about my home town, I thought, ‘Oh no!’

They even had video:

I just read this on Facebook:

Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk but only one of them knows about it.

A couple of weeks ago, we received a reminder card through the post that Toby and Molly were due to have their booster jabs.  There was also an offer to download a money-off coupon.  The Hub phoned the vet, made the appointment, and off we went yesterday.

They had no record of our appointment but fitted us in anyway.  Turns out Toby didn’t have his booster last year because, at the time we took the dogs, his lesions had returned, he needed antibiotics and he couldn’t have the booster at the same time.  He was injected several times at several appointments and we had thought as we cried into our wallets that one of those was his booster jab.  

Never mind – at least we had the money off coupons to make it a little easier this time.

No, we didn’t.  The coupons weren’t valid for this particular branch.  

We came away unimpressed yesterday – not only had our beloved dog been unprotected for a year, he needed to start a whole new course of immunisations at a boosted price, they wouldn’t accept our coupons and they hadn’t even known we were going to turn up despite the Hub making the appointment a week earlier.

When we got home there was a message on the answering machine:

Hello!  This is anonymous from another vet’s.  Toby and Molly missed their appointment for their boosters today.  If you would like to make another appointment, please call back on number given.

The Hub had made the appointment and downloaded the coupons for one vet’s practice, but we had visited another.



31 Jul


A London Underground train decorated to promot...

A London Underground train decorated to promote London’s Olympic bid. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The hashtag #RejectedOlympicEvents is trending on Twitter.  I thought I’d share a few with you.

  • Cheap car park search in London
  • Tea brewing. This is London 2012, how it isn’t an event I will never know
  • Speed Dating
  • Dressage.  I don’t understand it
  • Hide and Seek
  • Running to and from a Chick Fil-A without being seen by your friends
  • Synchronised Knitting
  • Synchronised DM conversations; absolutely impossible to achieve
  • Twitter, 100 tweet freestyle, 400 meter tweeter
  • Opening the microwave in the shortest amount of time left before the bell goes off
  • The Hunger Games
  • Compulsive Picture Straightening
  • Doing something fast before the microwave time finishes
  • Quidditch. Stupid muggles
  • The Emergency Channel Change When You Discover Two And A Half Men Is On
  • Trying to put your key in the front door when drunk
  • Women’s Parallel Parking
  • Men’s 50 minute putting a 3-4 month old baby down for the night
  • Stiff Upper Lip-a-thon
  • Seeing which network can go the longest without mentioning Tebow, LeBron or Howard
  • Furtive Under-table Texting
  • Amount of grocery bags you can bring inside the house from the car in one go
  • Worseminton
  • The elevator close door button mash
  • The Macarena
  • Fitted Sheet Folding
  • 2am Drunk Texting Your Ex
  • 100m sprint for the bus.
  • Pin the Smile on Kristen Stewart
  • 5m sprint to charge laptop
  • Thinking up witty and euphemistic rejected Olympic events when everyone else has already thought up the best ones
  • Empty Seat Filling Race.  No Wait! It’s back in!
  • Twitter trend jokes

It’s still trending so go have a look for yourself and report back with the best ones.


Joke 449

15 Jun


Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase
Image representing YouTube as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase





Thanks to Katherine Trauger‘s son for this one.


In the near-future, FaceBook, Twitter and You Tube are to merge. 

The new company will be known as YouTwitFace.



The Media Listens To Me, You Know

7 Oct

How strange life is: one word from me and the South African Mail & Guardian newspaper changes its copy.

Sorry, I don’t know how to use my German keyboard to do a printscreen: I can’t find the key.

Today’s twitter exchange:



laughwifeLinda Cosgriff

@2summers2010 @mailandguardian They might want a title re-think: I read ‘used’ as ‘once did’ 🙂

@laughwife good point! We’ve tweaked it slightly to make it clearer. Thank you for the heads up.


31 Aug
Reaction of two people whose personal space ar...

Image via Wikipedia

That’s the sound of my head hitting the monitor when I saw the new ‘follow’ button which replaces the ‘subscribe’ button; and the sound I made when I went outside and bellowed at the world because WordPress can’t hear me.

I HATE it.  What are WordPress thinking?  And why so secret about it?  It just appeared.  Why not send us their usual email?  Did they know we would hate it, or did the prompt, Would you rather be a leader or a follower? indicate so many followers that they thought they could get away with it, without too much fuss?  Are we going to let them get away with this?  We are not!

What d’we want?

A subscription button!

When d’we wan’it?


Which reminds me of the joke Spud told me:

What d’we want?


When d’we wan’it?

Next week!

This is not Facebook or Twitter; this is my own, personal space to say what I like for free and with no monthly charge…erm, well, okay, it is a bit like Facebook and Twitter.  But that doesn’t mean I have to like everything about it.  And I don’t like that possible new subscribers will now stay away in their thousands (what?  I’m an optimist) because they never hit ‘follow’ like I never hit ‘follow’, and don’t realise it’s a subscription button.

You just made my blog a flop, WordPress.  Thanks for nothing.


To shout at WordPress, go here.  Thanks, Piglet in Portugal, for the tip-off.


Told You They Were Watching Me

22 May
Spy vs Spy

I rescued this from my spam box. 

I think the government hid it there.

I added your blog to bookmarks. And i’ll read your articles more often! Before this, it would be possible for the government to arrest you just based on whatever you were saying, if they didn’t like it.You got fantastic nice ideas there. I made a research on the topic and got most peoples will agree with your blog.

I know it’s not spam because of the truth of the last line.  This guy must have superpowers, to be able to keep me from jail just by bookmarking my blog.  Wonder if he works for Twitter?*

*A little super-injunction private joke between me and 64,999,999 other UK citizens.



I’ve started mining Facebook.

Wonder if they’ll take a bag of old clothes for him?
I thought I’d share some email subject lines as well.
From the Arts Council:
Arts Jobs – Escalator Dance Producers
Arts Jobs – Musical Basketball Players Required
I’m thinking of changing my blog name to Whistling Housewife.  I can’t whistle but that’s okay, I’m as suited to this job as I am to those two.

Women Are From Mars

18 May

While we’re on the subject of space, a kind lady from Mars came out of the blue, offering to fill a Malteser-sized hole in my tummy with the next best thing: new Galaxy Bites.  

I am under no obligation to tell you they are gorgeous.  But they are.  A chewy caramel centre covered in Galaxy chocolate.  Heavenly. 

We had three packets between four of us – Tory Boy was home for the weekend, to watch City’s triumph after a morning in Knutsford bungee jumping. 

I think he acquired a taste for bouncing on his head, as a baby: I was a little over-zealous with the baby oil on more than one occasion…picture him as an infant in Julia Robert’s escargot spoons, flying into the arms of a convenient waiter…’Slippery little suckers’ said the Pretty Woman, just like the nervous mother squooshing her baby out of the bath and onto the carpet, like a seal pup flopping onto the ice but with less padding and no moustache.

Just as with the biltong and the Niknaks, the Galaxy Bites were measured out into bowls so that no one, especially no one who happened to be doing the dividing in the kitchen by herself, could pop an extra one into her mouth when no one else was looking.

The unanimous verdict was Yum, with the corollary that they would be an acceptable substitute on Malteser-free days.

I’m having a few of those Malteser-free days at the moment:

  • no blog-reading visitors of late
  • Hub not needed to apologise for anything
  • not been in a bad-enough mood to need cheering up
  • and the pressing need to go on a bit of a diet

When ‘slapping thighs’ doesn’t mean Christmas pantomime, but can’t get into your pants any more, you know it’s time to give up the…well…erm…um…wine!  I’ll give up wine!  I’ve got half a bottle left over from Christmas in the fridge which needs chucking out; that should do it.

Now, how about some chocolate to celebrate my weight loss?


To celebrate the launch, Galaxy Bites is holding a Twitter hashtag campaign asking chocolate lovers to reveal their favourite moments of bite-size indulgence.  Pop on over and check it out.

Disclaimer: I have not been paid to write this review.  Opinions are my own.  As always.

Doesn’t Bode Well For The Future…

27 Feb

I have signed up to Twitter. There has been a lot of publicity this week about British MPs signing up and I thought well, if they can use it, so can I, as technept as I am. It doesn’t bode well, however, that a lot of the publicity has been about Twitter identities being hijacked. Nor does it bode well for me that I told my family I had signed up to ‘Tweeter’. They thought I had become a birdwatcher. Or is that ‘twitcher’? Tweeters are usually paired up with woofers in a Not The Nine O’Clock News sketch, aren’t they? This online stuff is complicated.

My Twitter name is laughwife because I couldn’t fit the whole of ‘thelaughinghousewife’ in. I am a little concerned that my new name makes me sound like a crazy fishwife. My first tweet probably didn’t help: Is there anyone in America who owns an electric kettle? I haven’t had any replies yet so if you are reading this; live in the States; have important information pertaining to kitchen appliances; and nothing better to do, please tell me.

This question is still bugging me. I think the answer is ‘no’ because a look at blogs discussing similar topics turned up a raft of Americans now living abroad who rave about the wonders of their newly-discovered electric kettles. There are even posts dedicated to instructions on how to use them properly. I wouldn’t have thought you could say much beyond, ‘Fill with water. Switch on. Wait,’ but you’d be surprised at the detail these kettle converts go into. I’m not going to mock because I remember my Mother’s wonder at her first automatic washing machine after years of slaving over a twin tub; and my own astonishment, when we first went out to South Africa, at the miracle that is the sandwich toaster.

Do you think John Hawkins, Sir Francis Drake and Sir Walter Raleigh felt the same way about the potato? Bet they never foresaw the invention of the chip pan or the deep fat fryer. I wonder if they have those in America? Probably not: tea and chips are very English habits; though, of course, we didn’t invent either of them – Belgium invented chips, according to my Asterix the Gaul books.

Here’s an interesting fact about kettles that I came across when I was researching the potato:

Electric Kettle Crompton and Company developed the electric kettle in England. The earliest examples of electric kettles all had the element in a separate chamber underneath similar to traditional vessels which boiled water and had the fire underneath the pot.

From: http://www.open2.net/historyandthearts/history/food_timeline_html.html

It has just occurred to me that my non-Brit readers might not know the term ‘fishwife’. It is a derogatory term for a woman, meaning one who swears loud and long in public. It originally referred only to women who sold fish but was made notorious by the women of Billingsgate fish market in the Nineteenth Century. Now, of course, it seems like every female in Britain, from two to ninety-two, swears like a fishwife and gives the first fishwives a bad name.

I’m starting to feel hungry for some reason; I am suddenly in the mood for fish and chips and a mug of tea. Must be the hard work of writing trivia that only I could possibly be interested in.  It makes me feel a bit of a twit, which doesn’t bode well for the future of this blog….

PS Did you know (from the same source; or ibid, for my Latin friends) that ‘by the early 1900s there [were] more than 30,000 chippies in Britain’?  Me neither.

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