I Have To Kill My Kindle

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I am reading so much, I can’t get any writing done.  They say you can’t be a decent writer if you don’t read: by that reckoning, I’m next year’s Literature Nobel Laureate…if I had actually written anything.

So, here’s a reblog of an old post, chosen because it allows me to find a new photo of an old favourite to illustrate it.

Will Smith: An Apology

Dear Will, I’m sorry we are both happily married
to other people because, with your ears and my
size we’d have been perfect for a remake of ‘Dumbo’. 

Love, Tilly Bud.

I love Will Smith; he’s a natural actor and incredibly funny.  I declare today

Will Smith Day

for no other reason than it gives me an excuse to think about him.  I loved him in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  I didn’t know then that he was a rap star and I often wondered about the funny little fellow who couldn’t act who kept making guest appearances, who turned out to be DJ Jazzy Jeff, his rap partner. 

My two favourite movie lines of all time are Will Smith’s in Independence Day, and they both occur in the scene where he and Jeff Goldblum are attempting to plant the virus that will wipe out the alien invaders:

We have got to work on our communication!  (with the accompanying two fingers to the eyes gesture)

and

I ain’t heard no fat lady! (throwing away the Victory Dance)

 Doesn’t sound interesting flat on the screen like that, I know; it is definitely one of those moments where you had to be there.  Like Frank Carson, it’s the way he tells ‘em.   If you haven’t seen Independence Day – what is wrong with you?  I have seen it about twenty times.

Do you know what?  I have seen Independence Day about twenty times and it has just occurred to me: what happened to the dog?  Remember how Jasmine risked her and her son’s lives to call Boomer in the tunnel when Los Angeles was being blown up?  And he was in the truck when she was driving around saving what was left of the population.  Boyfriend turns up to rescue her and all of a sudden – no dog.  He’s never seen again in the movie.

Does anyone know if Will Smith claims to be vegetarian…?

I saw Mr Smith in an interview and he described how, after his first record went platinum or he won Grammy awards or something, he went home and told his Mom and she said, ‘Yes, very nice, now go and get some milk; we’ve run out.’   With a mother like that no wonder he’s grounded.

I’m thinking of asking Will to star in my forthcoming movie.  Plot: large blonde dogs band together and betray forgetful humanity to an alien species. 

I call it Independence Day: Boomer’s Revenge. 

Tagline: The Day The Dogs Bite Back.

If Wishing Made It So

Describe the perfect sandwich.

Will Smith.Me.BradPitt.

What?  It could happen…

Will Smith: An Apology

Dear Will, I’m sorry we are both happily married to other people because, with your ears and my size we’d have been perfect for a remake of ‘Dumbo’.  Love, Tilly Bud.

I love Will Smith; he’s a natural actor and incredibly funny.  I declare today Will Smith Day, for no other reason than it gives me an excuse to think about him.  I loved him in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  I didn’t know then that he was a rap star and I often wondered about the funny little fellow who couldn’t act who kept making guest appearances (DJ Jazzy Jeff, his rap partner).

My two favourite movie lines of all time are Will Smith’s in Independence Day, and they both occur in the scene where he and Jeff Goldblum are attempting to plant the virus that will wipe out the alien invaders:

‘We have got to work on our communication’ 

‘I ain’t heard no fat lady!’  

Doesn’t sound interesting flat on the screen like that, I know; it is definitely one of those moments where you had to be there.  Like Frank Carson, it’s the way he tells ’em.   If you haven’t seen Independence Day – what is wrong with you?  I have seen it about twenty times.

Do you know what?  I have seen ID about twenty times and it has just occurred to me: what happened to the dog?  Remember how Jasmine risked her and her son’s lives to call Boomer in the tunnel when Los Angeles was being blown up?  And he was in the truck when she was driving around saving what was left of the population?  Boyfriend turns up to rescue her and all of a sudden – no dog.  He’s never seen again in the movie.

Does anyone know if Will Smith claims to be vegetarian?

I saw Mr Smith in an interview and he described how, after his first record went platinum or he won Grammy awards or something, he went home and told his Mom and she said, ‘Yes, very nice, now go and get some milk; we’ve run out.’   With a mother like that, no wonder he’s grounded.

Sadly, Will won’t be starring in my forthcoming movie, in which large blonde dogs band together and betray humanity to an alien species.  I call it Independence Day: Boomer’s Revenge.  Tagline: The Day The Dogs Bit Back.

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This is a re-post (with edits). 

Happy 4th Of July

What does freedom mean?

It seems apposite to answer this prompt on this day.  A history of America, to illustrate:

• England is boss
• Taxes are high
• Representation is zero
• George Washington and something about a cherry tree…?
• Paul Revere buys a horse
• The British invitation to tea is politely rescinded; the event is a wash
• George III succumbs to porphyria and not madness, as everyone believes; he begins to write poetry: I’m not insane, me/The proof’s in my blue wee
• Team GB gets the hump
• The Colonies get humpier
• A slight disagreement occurs (relations are frosty until the Cold War, when everyone is united against a common foe because the enemy of my enemy is my friend.  Does that mean the friend of my friend is my enemy?)
• GIII talks to a tree
• Fireworks are the new black
• The television series Centennial comes out in the Seventies, shown on Sunday afternoons while my mother is chained to her ironing board
• The British suddenly get it, and forgive the Americans for not wishing to be yoked to their particular tyranny
• Paul Giamatti is John Adams
• Everyone eats hot dogs and gets fat
• Representation with taxation is universal: We, the People, pay you, the Government, to screw us over.  Hooray for democracy; you can’t buy that kind of freedom
• The day is rounded off with a nice cup of tea

Now I’m off to celebrate by watching Will Smith in Independence Day.

To My American Readers: Happy 4th of July! 

Okay, joke’s over: can we have our country back?

And by the way, it was us who invented apple pie.

*

*

There Were These Two Peas…

I have Tory Boy’s permission to talk about Tory Girl.  My lips are at last unsealed; I’m so glad because the zip was stuck and the tongue trapped in it.  It’s hard to eat a Malteser without a working tongue.

When he came home (way) after Easter, he mentioned that he had been seeing her for a while.  Don’t feel put out – it has taken me only two months to mention her to you: Tory Boy left it six months before telling his devoted parents he had found a special someone.  He brought her to see us on his last visit and she is lovely.  I have always been determined that my boys would never know if I disliked their partners because I want them home for Christmas, but she made it easy by being nice and fitting in with what I can only describe as a loud and opinionated household without being loud and opinionated herself (but we’ll soon knock the politeness out of her).  I am particularly pleased that she is taking a maths degree: I want smart grandchildren.

But that is way way way in the future (are you listening, son?); for now he has the summer to contend with.  He has two choices: come home and argue with his father for eight weeks or take up an internship at the Houses of Parliament.  I know which one I’d choose but I’m not really interested in politics; I think TB should go to geek camp. 

Sadly, there’s a hitch: it was all arranged and then his accommodation fell through.  He would get a food and travel allowance but nothing for accommodation, which seems an odd arrangement to me because interns surely can’t be expected to live on the street like Will Smith in Pursuit of Happyness [brief pause for yearning sigh and continued puzzlement over that spelling and that hair…  still, it could have been William Hague and no hair, or worse – Robbie Williams and hair of the dog].  As he is a student he has no money for accommodation, and we are not in a position to help him.  I looked at hostels and the prices are unbelievable – £35 a night, no food included!  I can feed a family of four for a week on £35.  I could cry for him missing this opportunity.

He says I mustn’t worry because the offer is open for every holiday, but I’m a mother; worry is what we do.  And it’s all right for him – if he doesn’t go, he won’t be the one refereeing a two-month Shrek vs Son of Shrek match, will he?

 

Will Smith: An Apology

  Dear Will, I’m sorry we are both happily married to other people because, with your ears and my size we’d have been perfect for a remake of ‘Dumbo’.  Love, Tilly Bud.

I love Will Smith; he’s a natural actor and incredibly funny.  I declare today Will Smith Day, for no other reason than it gives me an excuse to think about him.  I loved him in The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  I didn’t know then that he was a rap star and I often wondered about the funny little fellow who couldn’t act who kept making guest appearances (DJ Jazzy Jeff, his rap partner). 

My two favourite movie lines of all time are Will Smith’s in Independence Day, and they both occur in the scene where he and Jeff Goldblum are attempting to plant the virus that will wipe out the alien invaders: ‘We have got to work on our communication’ and ‘I ain’t heard no fat lady!’   Doesn’t sound interesting flat on the screen like that, I know; it is definitely one of those moments where you had to be there.  Like Frank Carson, it’s the way he tells ’em.   If you haven’t seen Independence Day – what is wrong with you?  I have seen it about twenty times.

Do you know what?  I have seen ID about twenty times and it has just occurred to me: what happened to the dog?  Remember how Jasmine risked her and her son’s lives to call Boomer in the tunnel when Los Angeles was being blown up?  And he was in the truck when she was driving around saving what was left of the population?  Boyfriend turns up to rescue her and all of a sudden – no dog.  He’s never seen again in the movie.  

Does anyone know if Will Smith claims to be vegetarian? 

I saw Mr Smith in an interview and he described how, after his first record went platinum or he won Grammy awards or something, he went home and told his Mom and she said, ‘Yes, very nice, now go and get some milk; we’ve run out.’   With a mother like that no wonder he’s grounded.

Speaking of mothers, I am a bereft one.  Tory Boy has not come home for the Easter holidays because he is out canvassing for the prospective Parliamentary candidate for Lancaster.  If he’s not careful, he won’t get a good degree because he’s too busy living the politics to study it.   He has promised to come home for his birthday in April (presumably because there will be presents), so I have that to look forward to.   That, and my forthcoming movie, in which large blonde dogs band together and betray humanity to an alien species.  I call it Independence Day: Boomer’s Revenge.  Tagline: The Day The Dogs Bit Back.