Joke 855

Lives saved by seat belts and airbags (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Food For Thought

• I started out with nothing…I still have most of it.
• I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
• The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
• I went to school to become a wit; only got halfway through.
• It was all so different before everything changed.
• Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
• A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
• I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip round the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.
• If you’re living on the edge, make sure you’re wearing your seat belt.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
• Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

From Will & Guy

Joke 848

Be-yourself-Everyone (Photo credit: Patricia Mellin)

Wise Words.  

They are not all funny but those which are not funny are so useful, I have left them in.

• One good turn gets the duvet.
• The early worm gets eaten.
• Never miss a good chance to shut up.
• There are two theories to arguing with a woman.  Neither works.
• The second mouse gets the cheese.
• Hotel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
• Never kick a fresh cowpat on a hot day.
• Even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.
• The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves.
• When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
• To cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
• We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys.
• Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure they are not the same eight hours.
• A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed.
• A group of idiots led by a wise man can defeat a group of wise people led by an idiot.

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From Will & Guy

 

Joke 563

A senior police officer of the Hamburg police on assignment at Hamburg city hall, Germany. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Granny1947 for these words of wisdom.

• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
• A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
• I am a nobody.  Nobody is perfect.  Therefore I am perfect.
• Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Heaven is Where:
  The Police are British
  The Chefs are Italian
  The Mechanics are German
  The Lovers are French and
  It’s all organized by the Swiss
  Hell is Where:
  The Police are German
  The Chefs are British
  The Mechanics are French
  The Lovers are Swiss and
  It’s all organized by the Italians