Joke 991

Map of Bournemouth Beach and Poole Bay, Dorset (Photo credit: Alwyn Ladell)

-My wife went on a sailing course in Poole

-In Dorset?

-Yes, she’d recommend it to anyone.

*

From ybw.com

From the archive:

If Men Ruled the World…

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”

Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum and a “Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time” would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

“Sorry I’m late, but I got really drunk last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

Tanks would be easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”

Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

“Cops” would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops.

The only show opposite “Monday Night Football” would be “Monday Night Football From A Different Camera Angle.”

Two men walk into a building.

You’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

There was an opening in the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are extremely difficult to fill, requiring an extensive background check, training, and testing before candidates are even considered for the position. After reviewing several applicants and completing all the checks and training, the field was narrowed to the three most promising candidates. The day came for the final test which would determine which of the equally qualified candidates, would get the job.

The final candidates were two men and one woman. The agents administering the test took the first candidate, a man, down a corridor to a closed door and handed him a gun saying, “We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.” The man, shocked, said, “You can’t be serious! I could never kill my wife.” The CIA agent said, “Well, then, you’re obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

They brought the next candidate in, the other man, and repeated the instructions. This man took the gun, walked into the room and closed the door. However, after five minutes of silence, the door opened and the man handed the CIA agent the gun, saying, “I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t kill my wife. I tried to pull the trigger but I just couldn’t do it.” The CIA man said, “Well, then, you’re obviously not the man for the job. Take your wife and go home.”

Then they brought the woman down the corridor to the closed door, handed her a gun, and said, “We must be completely assured that you will complete your assignments and follow instructions regardless of the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your husband, seated in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.” The woman took the gun, walked into the room, and before the door closed all the way, the CIA agents heard the gun start firing. One shot after another, for thirteen shots, the noise continued. Then all hell broke loose. For the next several minutes, the men heard screaming, cursing, furniture crashing and banging on the walls; then suddenly, silence. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”

Joke 852

Lost in Translation

No picture today.  I had an illustration for you – an amusing cartoon – but I couldn’t bring myself to post it because there was a spelling mistake…I think I need help.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……..The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male……..Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male…Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female…….A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male………Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female……A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male……..Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female……An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male……..A source of entertainment, self-statement and male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female……The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male……..Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…….A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male………A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

*

Thanks to Viveka for this one.

Joke 604

Thanks to Viveka for this one.

Men don’t understand us, so here’s a translation guide:

(Photo credit: deeplifequotes)

We say: You want
It means: You want

We say: We need
It means: I want

We say: It’s your decision
It means: The correct decision should be obvious

We say: What do you want?
It means: You’ll pay for this later

We say: We need to talk
It means: I’m not pleased

We say: Sure…go ahead
It means: If you dare

We say: I’m not upset
It means: Of course I’m upset you moron

We say: You’re…so manly
It means: You need a shave and you sweat a lot

We say: Be romantic, turn out the lights
It means: I have flabby thighs.

We say: This kitchen is so inconvenient
It means: I want a new house.

We say: I want new curtains
It means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

We say: I need new shoes
It means: The other forty pairs don’t really fit

We say: Hang the picture there
It means: No, I mean hang it there!

We say: I heard a noise
It means: I noticed you were almost asleep

We say: Do you love me?
It means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

We say: How much do you love me?
It means: I did something today you’re not going to like

We say: I’ll be ready in a minute.
It means: Take a nap.

We say: Am I fat?
It means: Tell me I’m beautiful

Joke 472

Several people sent this one to me.  All of them women.

English: I made this image myself in microsoft powerpoint (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)

Is proud to announce the opening of its
CLASSES FOR MEN!

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step-by-step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS – DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practising with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE:
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK
OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control – help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place
instead of turning the house upside down and screaming –
open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS:
FRIDGE OR BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH:
BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY
AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS:
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN
YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE
Role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES
& CALLING WHEN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT:
LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

 

 

Joke 446

 

English: A woman with a finger moustache tattoo. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today’s joke comes at the request of Viv, who wants me to redress the balance after yesterday’s joke.

Why it’s good to be a woman:

• We got off the Titanic first.
• Taxis stop for us.
• We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
• It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mummy’s boy.
• If a woman cheats on her spouse everyone will assume it’s because she was being emotionally neglected.
• Women can watch one TV channel at a time without getting bored.
• Women live longer than men.
• A woman’s friend won’t try to persuade her to get a tattoo while she’s drunk.
• Women can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
• Women know who their children are without having a DNA test.
• We don’t have to break wind to amuse ourselves.
• If a woman inexplicably disappears for two weeks, one of her friends will notice.
• If we forget to shave, no one knows.
• A woman can take a drive without trying to beat her best time.
• We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
• We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
• We will never regret piercing our ears.
• There are times when chocolate really does solve all our problems.
• Women don’t think reading the manual is a betrayal of all their species stands for.
• We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren’t listening anyway.
• No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.

I got these from

http://mistupid.com/people/page078.htm

http://www.ehmac.ca/everything-else-eh/30062-40-reasons-why-its-good-woman.html

Joke 238

Thanks to Viv for this one.

Five tips for a woman

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on, who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don’t know each other.

Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: ‘If we don’t get some support soon, people will think we’re nuts.’

Joke 147

This one is courtesy of Sarsm.

The Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth to take his life into his hands. 

DANGEROUS: What’s for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here’s fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn’t overdo it today.
SAFEST: I’ve always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

And remember: Money talks…but chocolate sings.

Fair’s Fair

You blokes have been so good-natured about yesterday’s joke that it seems fair to have one about women:

*

A woman in Atlantic City was losing at the roulette wheel. When she was down to her last 10 dollars, she asked the fellow next to her for a good number. “Why don’t you play your age?” he suggested. The woman agreed, and then put her money on the table.

*

The next thing the guy with the advice knew, the woman had fainted and fallen to the floor. He rushed right over. “Did she win?” he asked. “No” replied the attendant. “She put 10 dollars on 33 and 46 came in.”

*

Read more:  http://www.ajokeaday.com/ChisteDelDia.asp#ixzz1Bxen7cVk

*

I know this is a blogging cheat; I promise normal service will be resumed shortly.

*

&

My Guest Today Is Vila SpiderHawk

Vila SpiderHawk is taking a different view on the aging of womankind. Hidden Passages: Tales to Honor the Crones is a collection of tales, some of which are interconnected, others which stand alone, all of which deal with women who are finding or already using the wisdom acquired from years of life experience.

Vila SpiderHawk and her husband share a log home of their design in the woods of Pennsylvania where they live with their five cats and enjoy frequent visits with their many woodland friends.  SpiderHawk is an avid gardener and a gourmet vegan cook. 

Hidden Passages: Tales to Honor the Crones 

                           Brimming with hope and beautifully written, these eight stories of women helping women and girls through the challenges and transitions of life will surprise you with every turn of the page. 

                           In Passages, a girl moves through a rites of passage into womanhood, both symbolic and literal, among her tribe of watching women, bonding with the other women as well as with the feminine in nature, bonding with the divine, and erasing boundaries between all. 

                           Lavinia is something of a ghost story of women, where the reader wonders at times who is living and who is not.

                           Vila SpiderHawk is taking a different view on the aging of womankind. Hidden Passages is a collection of tales, some of which are interconnected, others which stand alone, all of which deal with women who are finding or already using the wisdom acquired from years of life experience. 

                           These are women as women should be: unafraid of living, unafraid of expressing their femininity, unafraid of aging, unafraid of facing up to their own fears and weaknesses and transforming them into strengths, unafraid to confront those who would deny them their place, simply – unafraid. We should all wish to be such terrific crones.

 

Vila, What was the inspiration for your characters and their stories?  

Mima Po is the one story in the book that comes even remotely close to being autobiographical.  There actually was a wonderful old Czechoslovakian woman on our block whom everyone shunned and feared.  Like everyone else, I feared her too and, because of the neighborhood rules, shunned her.  

However, because she was forbidden, she fascinated me.  I had to pass her house to go virtually anywhere, and I often hesitated, daring myself to knock on her door and introduce myself.  I never did.  When she was on her porch, however, I worked up the courage to nod at her.  She nodded back.  Becoming even bolder, I verbally greeted her.  She responded.  Before I knew it, I was sitting on her porch listening to stories that I was sure were fiction about her experiences during World War II.  A deep friendship blossomed between us.  

Her death was the first time I came face to face with permanent loss.  I kept going back to her house expecting her to be there, and of course she wasn’t.  Since I was too young for school, I could not grasp that she would never be there again.  I thought my heart would break when someone else moved in to that house and I had to accept that she was well and truly gone.  I have always cherished the memory of that magnificent old woman.  Therefore, I wrote a story about her and placed her in the primary position of the book. 

*

You can find Vila at www.vilaspiderhawk.com

Follow Vila’s Virtual Book Tour at Pump Up Your Book

Watch the book video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wmlz31q_ugQ

Vila reads from Hidden Passages: Tales to Honor the Crones

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXzvTLo71Ok