Joke 995

Thanks to Bluebee for the cartoon.  The jokes are from an email doing the rounds.

• The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
• My cooking is so bad that we pray AFTER we eat.
• A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
• Some doting parents are son worshipers.
• Did Cleopatra believe in ghosts?  No, she was in denial.
• MANDATE: Two guys watching sports.
• I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

From the archive:

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Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she said, “Mabel, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?”

Mabel answered, “I have? A suppository?”  She pulled it out and stared at it.

Then she said, “Ethel, I’m glad you saw this thing.  Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

A frigate was sailing the seven seas when a pirate ship came over the horizon.

The captain said, “Cabin boy, get me my red shirt.”

The cabin boy brought the captain his red shirt, he wore it in battle and they defeated the pirates.

Several days later, another pirate ship was spotted off the port bow.

“Cabin boy,” said the captain, “get me my red shirt.”

They fight the pirates and are victorious again.

Once things have settled down, the cabin boy asks, “Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just before battle?”

“In case I am inflicted with a wound.  I don’t want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit,” replied the captain. 

“I see,” said the cabin boy.

Some days later, a fleet of ten pirate ships was seen making straight for them.

“Cabin boy,” the captain calls out, “bring me my brown pants.”