Joke 926

Mozart and Beethoven Have Tea (Photo credit: Dharbigt Mærsk)

I’m feeling silly this morning.

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

***

What kind of flower is on your face?

Tulips

***

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

BANANANAAAAAA

***

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?”

The bartender says, “For you? No charge.”

***

Why did the cookie cry?

Because his mother was a wafer so long.

***

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Because the cow’s got the udder.

***

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?

Its backside.

***

What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

Christmas Cake 2006 (Photo credit: Ross_Angus)

From oatmeal.com

 

Joke 790

Some silliness is called for…

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

*

What do you do with a sick boat?

Take it to the doc.

*

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish.

*

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

*

What game would you play with a wombat?

Wom.

*

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

A bahhum bug.

From theoatmeal.

Joke 787

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here you go:

• I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
  

  An old-style Tipp-Ex bottle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
• I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
• Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
• The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
• So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
• Velcro… what a rip-off. 
• You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

Joke 785

The ‘nacho cheese’ was so popular, I found some more cheesy jokes for you.

*

‘Q: Did you hear about the explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

*

Q: Whom did the cheesy Bible start with?

A: Edam and Eve.

*

Q: What hotel do mice stay in ?

A: The Stilton

*

Q: What dance do cheese makers do every Halloween?

A: The Muenster mash.

*

Q: What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost?

A: I’m Lac-ghost intolerant

*

Q: What’s the most popular American cheese sitcom?

A: Curd Your Enthusiasm

*

Q: Why does cheese look sane?

A: Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.

*

Q: What did the street cheese say after being attacked by several blades?

A: I’ve felt grater.

 

Joke 784

• It’s time to get new shoes when you stand on a coin and can tell if it’s heads or tails.
  

  Funny shoes (aka) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• What kind of shoes do spies wear?   Sneakers.
• What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?   Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
• A man with two left feet popped into the shoe shop and asked to try on a pair of Flip Flips.
• “I stand corrected!” Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

And finally…one I’ve posted before but I love it, so here it is again:

A man came across a ticket in an old coat from ‘Smith & Sons Shoe Repairs’, a local shoe repair shop.  The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old.  He showed his wife and they tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

‘Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?’ he asked.

‘Not very likely,’ his wife said.

‘It’s worth a try,’ he said, and went downstairs, got into the car, and drove to the store.  With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, ‘Just a minute I’ll have to look for these.’  He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.  Two minutes later, the man called out, ‘Here they are!’

‘Really?’ the owner of the shoes called back. ‘That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.’

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. ‘They’ll be ready Thursday,’ he said.

From manwalksintoajoke.

Joke 773

A change of pace for you today: jokes on video.  53 in four minutes, to be exact.  

Be warned: some are cringeworthy, but I can forgive anything of a man who includes more than one Dr Who pun.

Thanks to Grannymar, who pointed me in the right direction.

 

Joke 767

Some smelly old jokes for you.

• What sea creatures always win in a fight?   Mussels.
• What fish goes up the river at 100mph?   A motor pike.
• How do you communicate with a fish?   You drop it a line.
• 1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you.’   2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured.’
• What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?   Skate.
• Where are most fish found?   Between the head and the tail.
• What do fish sing to each other?   Salmon Chanted ‘Evening’.
• What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?   A flat fish.
• What is purple, lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?   Moby Plum.

Thanks to photosbykev for these jokes.

Joke 759

And the last of the Tim Viners.  Thanks, Dave!

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

• So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
• So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
• So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
• At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…

Joke 758

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while.  Thanks to my mate Dave for these.

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

• I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
• My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
• So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
• So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

Joke 725

A Jailhouse Rock (Photo credit: Cayusa)

It cost 75 cents to put air in my tire at a gas station, where it used to be free.  

I asked the attendant why the cost for air went up to 75 cents.  He said, ‘Inflation.’

*

*

Q: What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?

A: Abominable.  

(Say it out loud, slowly) 

*

These are from the Laugh Factory.

 

Joke 689

• I’ve never been in love before…But I can imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see the waiter arriving with your food.
  

  love (Photo credit: electricnerve)

• Relationship Between Lovers In Today’s Age: you can touch each other but…leave the mobile alone!
• I wanna fall in love, or in feathers.  Yeah, feathers.  They hurt less.

From tumblr.

• It was an emotional wedding.  Even the cake was in tiers.
• What do you call a melon that’s not allowed to get married?  Can’t elope.
• To some – marriage is a word…to others – a sentence.

From punoftheday.

Joke 608

From punoftheday.

Veterinary school car park (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Where the audience for these jokes parks.

• I recently got a job at the office for national statistics, but I’m only there to make up the numbers.
• In veterinary school we studied the brain of the hippopotamus.  At that time most students stayed on the main campus.  I stayed on the hippocampus.
• I saw a British cannibal eating.  He was snacking on fish and chaps.

 

 

Joke 588

Tim Vine (Photo credit: DLNY)

I enjoyed those one-liners* the other day so much, I treat you to some more, courtesy of Tim Vine, via the Telegraph.

• Exit signs?  They’re on the way out!
• Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts.  I said, ‘You just can’t let it go, can you?’
• I saw this advert in a window that said, “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”  I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’
• Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was’?
• Velcro?  What a rip-off!

 

Joke 581

The Wishing Fish Clock in the Regent Shopping Arcade, Cheltenham, may be the world’s tallest mechanical clock. The vertical distance from the duck to the fish is 14 metres. It weighs 3 tons. On the hour the fish that is suspended under the clock revolves and blows out bubbles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

From photosbykev.

*

Noah started building several arks for various parts of the animal kingdom.

One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-storey carp ark.

*

*

Two parrots are sitting on a perch.

One says to the other, “Can you smell fish?”

*

*

What is dry on the outside, filled with water and blows up buildings?

A fish tank.

*

Joke 572

cheese (Photo credit: pinprick)

From hijackbristol.co.uk.

Q: Which cheese would you use to entice a grizzly down from a mountain?

A: Camembert.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?

A: Nacho cheese.

If English is not your first language you might not get the last two jokes.  Here’s one from Twitter  ‏@garylawuk to compensate:

Q: How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese?

A: Caerphilly.

Okay.  Same problem.  Let me find another.  This is from singletrackworld.com.

Q: What type of cheese is made backwards?

A: EDAM

Think about it…

Bonus Question:

Q: The Hub once won 10kg of cheese on a television quiz show.  

True or False?