Tag Archives: Puns

Joke 926

5 Oct
Mozart and Beethoven Have Tea

Mozart and Beethoven Have Tea (Photo credit: Dharbigt Mærsk)

I’m feeling silly this morning.

What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

***

What kind of flower is on your face?

Tulips

***

What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?

BANANANAAAAAA

***

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a beer?”

The bartender says, “For you? No charge.”

***

Why did the cookie cry?

Because his mother was a wafer so long.

***

Why do milking stools only have three legs?

Because the cow’s got the udder.

***

What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it hits a windshield?

Its backside.

***

What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?

Tyrannosaurus Wrecks

Christmas Cake 2006

Christmas Cake 2006 (Photo credit: Ross_Angus)

From oatmeal.com

 

Joke 790

22 May

Some silliness is called for…

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York.

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

*

What do you do with a sick boat?

Take it to the doc.

*

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish.

*

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

*

What game would you play with a wombat?

Wom.

*

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

A bahhum bug.

From theoatmeal.

Joke 787

19 May

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here you go:

  • I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.

    An old-style Tipp-Ex bottle.

    An old-style Tipp-Ex bottle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
  • I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
  • Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
  • The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
  • So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  • When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
  • Velcro… what a rip-off. 
  • You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

Joke 785

17 May

funny-pictures-squirrel-wants-cheese

The ‘nacho cheese’ was so popular, I found some more cheesy jokes for you.

*

‘Q: Did you hear about the explosion at a French cheese factory?

A: All that was left was de brie.

*

Q: Whom did the cheesy Bible start with?

A: Edam and Eve.

*

Q: What hotel do mice stay in ?

A: The Stilton

*

funny cheese pictures

Q: What dance do cheese makers do every Halloween?

A: The Muenster mash.

*

Q: What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost?

A: I’m Lac-ghost intolerant

*

Q: What’s the most popular American cheese sitcom?

A: Curd Your Enthusiasm

*

Q: Why does cheese look sane?

A: Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.

*

Q: What did the street cheese say after being attacked by several blades?

A: I’ve felt grater.

 

Joke 784

16 May
  • It’s time to get new shoes when you stand on a coin and can tell if it’s heads or tails.

    Funny shoes (aka)

    Funny shoes (aka) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • What kind of shoes do spies wear?   Sneakers.
  • What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?   Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
  • A man with two left feet popped into the shoe shop and asked to try on a pair of Flip Flips.
  • “I stand corrected!” Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

And finally…one I’ve posted before but I love it, so here it is again:

A man came across a ticket in an old coat from ‘Smith & Sons Shoe Repairs’, a local shoe repair shop.  The date stamped on the ticket showed it was over eleven years old.  He showed his wife and they tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

‘Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?’ he asked.

‘Not very likely,’ his wife said.

‘It’s worth a try,’ he said, and went downstairs, got into the car, and drove to the store.  With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.

With a face just as straight, the man said, ‘Just a minute I’ll have to look for these.’  He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.  Two minutes later, the man called out, ‘Here they are!’

‘Really?’ the owner of the shoes called back. ‘That’s terrific! Who would have thought they’d still be here after all this time.’

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. ‘They’ll be ready Thursday,’ he said.

From manwalksintoajoke.

Joke 773

5 May

A change of pace for you today: jokes on video.  53 in four minutes, to be exact.  

Be warned: some are cringeworthy, but I can forgive anything of a man who includes more than one Dr Who pun.

Thanks to Grannymar, who pointed me in the right direction.

 

Joke 767

29 Apr

Some smelly old jokes for you.

  • What sea creatures always win in a fight?   Mussels.
  • What fish goes up the river at 100mph?   A motor pike.
  • How do you communicate with a fish?   You drop it a line.
  • 1st kipper: ‘Smoking’s bad for you.’   2nd kipper: ‘It’s OK, I’ve been cured.’
  • What kind of fish is useful in freezing weather?   Skate.
  • Where are most fish found?   Between the head and the tail.
  • What do fish sing to each other?   Salmon Chanted ‘Evening’.
  • What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?   A flat fish.
  • What is purple, lives in the sea and weighs 5000 pounds?   Moby Plum.

Thanks to photosbykev for these jokes.

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