Tag Archives: YouTube

Joke 865

5 Aug

Kids!

  • You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
  • Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
  • Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
  • Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
  • The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
  • We childproofed our home, but they are still getting in.

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Thanks to my friend Michelle for this one.

The Laughing Baby

2 Aug

Fridays are now The Friday Laugh day.  Here’s today’s:

 

Joke 770

2 May

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – an elderly woman.  He approached her and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams.  I’ve known you since you were a young boy.  And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me.  You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.  You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.  Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

“Why, yes I do.  I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.  I used to baby-sit him for his parents.  And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem.  The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state.  Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice he said, with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail within three minutes!”

Thanks once again to Elizabeth for today’s joke.

Bring Me Sunshine

26 Apr

Sidey’s Weekend Theme is Sunshine.  Here in Stockport we don’t get much sunshine, being the English equivalent of Twilight‘s town of Forks, minus the pretty vampires.  So, just rain, then.

We have to make our own sunshine, so here you go – some fake sunshine, courtesy of You Tube:

Now that you are as depressed as we Stopfordians usually feel, here’s something that actually works like sunshine is supposed to:

Have a great weekend, flowers!

Big Sunflower

Big Sunflower (Photo credit: eggheadsherpa)

How to have fun in spite of rain:

 

Joke 449

15 Jun

 

Image representing Facebook as depicted in Cru...

Image representing Twitter as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase
Image representing YouTube as depicted in Crun...
Image via CrunchBase

 

 

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Thanks to Katherine Trauger‘s son for this one.

Announcement!

In the near-future, FaceBook, Twitter and You Tube are to merge. 

The new company will be known as YouTwitFace.

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And Now For Something Completely Different

20 Nov

Adam loves Lucy.  Adam wants to propose.  Adam joins a choir and persuades the members to sing Lucy’s favourite song on the Tube:

I’ve Been Re-possessed

26 Sep

As regular reader knows, from time to time I vacate The Laughing Housewife premises to let a real writer talk about their new book.  Today it is the turn of…

…Musician, Nemo James:

Born and based in England, Nemo James worked as a professional musician and singer/songwriter for more than 30 years. He now lives in Croatia with his wife Federika and their cat Jutko, who is becoming intolerable following his rise to fame on Youtube.

The book: Just A Few Seconds.

The story of one man’s experience in the music business. It is an amusing and true story of a successful freelance musician whose gigs ranged from private parties, to the rich and famous, to the roughest London pubs, where playing the wrong song at the wrong time meant the difference between life and death. He takes more twists, turns and knocks than a mouse trapped in a pinball machine.  The ending shows how the road to success can lead us down the strangest and most desolate of paths.

If you are looking for the usual rock star memoirs full of sex, drugs and rock and roll, then this book is not for you; if you are interested in a unique insight into the music business that reads like a thriller, then this book won’t disappoint.

nemo3

Cooking Tips from Nemo James

Since the publication of my book Just A Few Seconds, several people have emailed me to ask whether my cooking has improved since the chapter entitled A Recipe For Shoestrings. In it, I wrote how during a very difficult time in my life, I was living on a budget of £1 a day for food. Some people are able to do wonders with £1 spent wisely on ingredients but I am definitely not one of them. I was not only on a shoestring budget, my meals actually tasted like shoestrings.

Then I met and married Federika who, apart from being amazing and gorgeous, is also a fantastic cook specialising in dishes from all corners of the globe, but particularly from Peru, where she grew up. I am never going to win any awards for my cooking but she has taught me a lot and in particular shared that secret that all you crafty cooks have been keeping to yourselves all these years: The Kitchen Timer

Until I discovered the kitchen timer I used to use a smoke alarm to tell me when my food was cooked. In a terraced house in the UK it was not a problem as I would always put the smoke alarm within easy reach so I could turn it off quickly. But one day, while I was living in Los Angeles, I was heating up a lovely chocolate muffin for my breakfast when the phone rang with a call from a prospective agent. I completely forgot about the muffin until the smoke alarm went off but, being accustomed to this event, I continued talking to the agent whilst removing the muffin from the oven and jumping up and down on a chair, trying to blow cold air onto the alarm. As most of the buildings in L.A. are made of wood everyone is paranoid about fire so just as I thought I had everything under control and had the agent interested the building manager started banging on my door and screaming at me to let him in. I never realised cooking could be so difficult.

Here are a few more tips that I have discovered that I would like to pass on:

  • Using an apron means that cooking doesn’t always require a change of clothes.
  • The oil you use for cooking is different to the type you use in your car.
  • Oven gloves save a lot of pain.
  • Keeping the kitchen floor clean from grease means you don’t have to wear a crash helmet while you cook.
  • When breaking an egg it is better to use the edge of a knife than a hammer.
  • A baguette is not a small shopping bag.
  • You don’t get black eyed beans by punching normal beans.
  • You can’t make white sugar go brown by leaving it in the sun all day.
  • Crab apple is not a seafood.
  • Hitting a halibut with a hammer doesn’t make it a flatfish.
  • You can’t scald pasta by telling it off.
  • Molasses are not moles’ bottoms.
  • Strong currants in Muesli are not dangerous.
  • There is no such thing as Semolina poisoning.
  • If you are running short of Tofu for that special dinner party, try adding half a litre of water to a roll of toilet paper and blend in with one large packet of wallpaper paste. No one will ever know the difference.

If you have a cooking tip you would like to share with others please leave them in the comments.

Nemo James banner

For reviews and other information visit Pump Up Your Book.

Nemo James’ website and blog.

Nemo James’  You Tube videos.

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