Spud is nineteen today. Happy birthday, my little potato cake.
He got there despite all the roasting I’ve given him, half-baked parent that I am. To be fair, though, I never beet him; and I yam a loving mother to my sweet potato.
He’s a chip off the old block because he’s a Golden Wonder to me, and never grates my nerves, fries my beans or sets me boiling. I’ve done my best to raise a good crop and he hasn’t given me any hasselback, despite the many downright hash browns I’ve made. We’ve had a lot of fun and latke, that’s for sure; though I sometimes leave him steaming, but that’s no skin off my nose. Still, I don’t want to be peeling him off the walls. He is my King Edward, after all; and he who pays the Maris Piper calls the tune.
Well, I’d better go – I hear him gnocching but he can’t come in because I’m typing this. I don’t want him stewing; that will leave me having to sauté him out and it is his birthday.
Happy birthday, my darling little tater tot. Here’s a birthday mashup for you:
Thanks to Vivinfrance for today’s joke.
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!” said her father. “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” she replied.
Some more from the archive:
A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said, “This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.”
The man at the newspaper said, “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.”
The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.”
Navy regulations prohibit underwater promotion to the ministry.
Doing so would constitute insubordination.
If it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
What noise does a grammatically correct owl make?
Q: What does a nosy pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An investigator
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Law suits
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep
[victorian child care] (Photo credit: RHiNO NEAL)
To pre-empt the complaint that the jokes are getting older as we near the magic 1001 number, my friend Steph sent me some really old jokes – they are all Victorian, found at historytoday.com
- Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both lose their bark once they’re dead.
- “See here, wait, I’ve found a button in my salad.” “That’s all right, sir, it’s part of the dressing.”
- Marriage is an institution intended to keep women out of mischief and get them into trouble.
- Why are circus horses the slowest breed? Because they are taught horses.
- Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul.
- If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices of their pies? The pie-rates of Penn’s Aunts.
- Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
- Doesn’t it make you dizzy to waltz? Yes, but one must get used to it, you know. It’s the way of the whirled.
- WIFE: “You loved me before we were married!” HUSBAND: “Well, now it’s your turn!”
- Pawnbrokers prefer customers without any redeeming qualities.
- Moving in unfashionable circles: wearing a crinoline.
- Why is a manuscript always called a MS.? Because that is the state in which the editor finds it.
- If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven’t got a notion.
- A lady wrote the following letters at the bottom of her flour barrel: O I C U R M T.
- Why is the devil riding a mouse like one and the same thing? Because it is synonymous.
- “I have the best wife in the world,” said the long-suffering husband. “She always strikes me with the soft end of the broom.”
- What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.
English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Bad puns, because it’s Friday.
Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage?
It was wrong on so many levels.
I can’t think of any kayak brands, canoe?
Always trust glue salesmen. They tend to stick to their word.
The concert violinist exercised regularly.
He was fit as a fiddle.
My new girlfriend and I are moving into a tree house. I hope we don’t fall out.
From Punoftheday, if you’re looking for someone to blame.
How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one?
By her suntan.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all over perm.
Why are banshees good tennis players?
They make a good old racket.
These were all lifted straight from Tom Merriman’s blog, Within the Sphere, because I have no shame – in intellectual property theft or in sharing terrible jokes. I love ’em.
Even more from the top fifty jokes of all time
ATT00076 Cat joke cartoon (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)
You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.
Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well. I can’t believe it actually worked.
I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.
I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.
So I said to a Scotsman, ‘Did you have terrible spots as a kid?’
He said ‘Och, nay.’