Happy Birthday, Spud

Spud is nineteen today.  Happy birthday, my little potato cake.

He got there despite all the roasting I’ve given him, half-baked parent that I am. To be fair, though, I never beet him; and I yam a loving mother to my sweet potato.

He’s a chip off the old block because he’s a Golden Wonder to me, and never grates my nerves, fries my beans or sets me boiling.  I’ve done my best to raise a good crop and he hasn’t given me any hasselback, despite the many downright hash browns I’ve made.  We’ve had a lot of fun and latke, that’s for sure; though I sometimes leave him steaming, but that’s no skin off my nose.  Still, I don’t want to be peeling him off the walls.  He is my King Edward, after all; and he who pays the Maris Piper calls the tune.

Well, I’d better go – I hear him gnocching but he can’t come in because I’m typing this.  I don’t want him stewing; that will leave me having to sauté him out and it is his birthday.

Happy birthday, my darling little tater tot.  Here’s a birthday mashup for you:

 

Joke 986

Thanks to Vivinfrance for today’s joke.

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A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!” said her father.  “That was short.  You usually talk for two hours.  What happened?”

“Wrong number,” she replied.

Some more from the archive:

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A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.

She called the obituary department and said, “This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead.”

The man at the newspaper said, “But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.”

The woman answered, “OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale.”

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Navy regulations prohibit underwater promotion to the ministry.

Doing so would constitute insubordination.

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Government Philosophy:

If it ain’t broke, fix it ’til it is.

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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.

Talk about Dyson with death. 

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What noise does a grammatically correct owl make?

‘Whom.’

Joke 972

Q: What does a nosy pepper do?

A: Gets jalapeno business

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Q: What do you call a fake noodle?

A: An impasta

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Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?

A: An investigator

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Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?

A: It went back four seconds

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Q: What do lawyers wear to court?

A: Law suits

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Q: What do you call a fat psychic?

A: A four chin teller

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Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?

A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep

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source: http://www.jokes4us.com/miscellaneousjokes/cleanjokes.html

 

Joke 959

[victorian child care] (Photo credit: RHiNO NEAL)

To pre-empt the complaint that the jokes are getting older as we near the magic 1001 number, my friend Steph sent me some really old jokes – they are all Victorian, found at historytoday.com

• Why is a dog like a tree? Because they both lose their bark once they’re dead.
• “See here, wait, I’ve found a button in my salad.” “That’s all right, sir, it’s part of the dressing.”
• Marriage is an institution intended to keep women out of mischief and get them into trouble.
• Why are circus horses the slowest breed? Because they are taught horses.
• Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Macbeth, because he did murder most foul.
• If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices of their pies? The pie-rates of Penn’s Aunts.
• Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
• Doesn’t it make you dizzy to waltz? Yes, but one must get used to it, you know. It’s the way of the whirled.
• WIFE: “You loved me before we were married!”  HUSBAND: “Well, now it’s your turn!”
• Pawnbrokers prefer customers without any redeeming qualities.
• Moving in unfashionable circles: wearing a crinoline.
• Why is a manuscript always called a MS.? Because that is the state in which the editor finds it.
• If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven’t got a notion.
• A lady wrote the following letters at the bottom of her flour barrel: O I C U R M T.
• Why is the devil riding a mouse like one and the same thing? Because it is synonymous.
• “I have the best wife in the world,” said the long-suffering husband. “She always strikes me with the soft end of the broom.”
• What is the difference between a tube and a foolish Dutchman? One is a hollow cylinder and the other a silly Hollander.

Joke 953

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Bad puns, because it’s Friday.

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Did you hear about the crime that happened in a parking garage?

It was wrong on so many levels.

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I can’t think of any kayak brands, canoe?

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Always trust glue salesmen. They tend to stick to their word.

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The concert violinist exercised regularly.

He was fit as a fiddle.

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My new girlfriend and I are moving into a tree house.  I hope we don’t fall out.

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From Punoftheday, if you’re looking for someone to blame.

Joke 952

How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one?
By her suntan.

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

When is it unlucky to see a black cat?
When you’re a mouse.

What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf?
A monster with an all over perm. 

 Why are banshees good tennis players?
They make a good old racket.

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These were all lifted straight from Tom Merriman’s blog, Within the Sphere, because I have no shame – in intellectual property theft or in sharing terrible jokes.  I love ’em.

Joke 943

Even more from the top fifty jokes of all time

ATT00076 Cat joke cartoon (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

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You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.

Stewart Francis

Last week my mother-in-law fell into a wishing well.  I can’t believe it actually worked.

Anonymous

I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.

Will Marsh

I picked up a hitchhiker. You gotta when you hit them.

Emo Phillips

So I said to a Scotsman, ‘Did you have terrible spots as a kid?’

He said ‘Och, nay.’

Anonymous

Joke 942

More from the top fifty jokes of all time 

English: He’s so cute Funny how baby animals look so cute. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

Will Ferrell

Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it does buy a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Yea, I thought so…

Anonymous

How do you know when you’re too drunk to drive? When you swerve to miss a tree then realize it was your air freshener.

Kevin Hart

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it! You never know when you might need a nail.

Anonymous

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

Anonymous

Vegetarians, if you love animals so much then why do you keep eating all their food?

Anonymous

Joke 941

From the top fifty jokes of all time (until the next top fifty list is compiled)

Little Shriner and member of the Tommy Cooper Society (Photo credit: Kathleen Tyler Conklin)

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I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.  I phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

Peter Kay

Police arrested two kids yesterday.  One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Tommy Cooper

I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’.  So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Anonymous

Why do men get married?

So they don’t have to hold in their stomachs any more.

Anonymous

Where there’s a will – there’s a relative.

Ricky Gervais

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.

Tommy Cooper

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet…you can hide but you can’t run.

Milton Jones

Joke 929

On this Day in History 2007 (Photo credit: cams-not-in-lux)

A history professor and a psychology professor were attending a conference at a nudist colony.

The history professor asked, “Have you read Marx?”

The psychology professor replied, “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.” 

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From ajokeday.com

Joke 899

A Jailhouse Rock (Photo credit: Cayusa)

Did you hear about Stanley the fly who flew through a screen door at full speed?  Strained himself.

It was another fine mesh he got himself into.

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A small grocery store had just installed some new juice machines and everybody who worked there was excited about who would be chosen to run them.

One employee in particular, a grocery bagger, was determined to get the job. He went to the manager and made his case, telling his boss how excited he was about the new juicers, and how badly he wanted to be the one chosen to run them.

His boss turned him down.

“But why?” protested the hapless young man.

“Sorry, son,” replied his boss, “everybody knows that baggers can’t be juicers.”

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From jokesareawesome.com

Joke 868

Some jokes from So Much Pun, in honour of where I am going to be tomorrow.

And this one from Yahoo.

Because Shakespeare was so deeply absorbed during the writing of his tragedies, he put almost impossible strains on his bladder. To make matters worse, the tiny hooks and eyes that his tailor had placed on his pants slowed down the process considerably.  The playwright demanded that the tailor make larger hooks and eyes.

After a few days of trial, the Bard reported back, “Truly, ’tis speedier these larger hooks and eyes, but still and all, when I’m in a hurry, ’tis not quick enough.  I want you to redesign my trousers using leather ties.”

The tailor did exactly as he was told and Shakespeare jumped into the pants without delay.

Exactly one week later, however, the playwright was back at his door.

“Truly the leather straps are faster than those hooks and eyes, but even so ’tis still too slow.  I propose that you throw away the straps and just cut me a little hole.”

The tailor bounced to his feet.  “You ask for hooks, I give you hooks. You ask for straps, I give you straps. But holes? Holes! You of all people ought to know that . . . there’s no holes, Bard!”

 

Joke 866

• Why are fish no good at tennis?   They don’t like to get too close to the net
  

  Funny Fish Cartoon (Photo credit: Mr. Daniel Ted Feliciano)

• Why did the optician go ice fishing?   He had perfect ice sight
• There was an awful fight at the seafood restaurant.  Four fish got battered
• What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?   A nervous wreck
• What do you call a man with a large flatfish on his head?   Ray
• What side of a fish has the most scales?   The outside
• How do you post a fish?   You send it COD…or first bass mail
• What do you use to cut the ocean?   A seasaw
• Where do you go to meet the best fish?    It doesn’t matter – any old plaice will do
• What kind of a fish does a Parrot sit on?   A Perch
• What is a knight’s favourite fish?   A swordfish
• What fish is best to have in a boat?   A Sailfish
• How do you get around fast on the bottom of the sea?   Skates
• How do a group of dolphins make a decision?   Flipper coin
• Does a dolphin ever do something by accident?   No, they do everything on porpoise

From photosbykev

 

Joke 851

Guess what I did yesterday?

Hobbit Hole (Photo credit: Daniel Peckham)

After 16 pints of Coke, 9 bags of Minstrels and 5 large popcorns, The Hobbit was finally over.

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I met a Spanish Hobbit today.

Bilbao Baggins.

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The Hobbit: the only time it’s quicker to read the book than watch the film.

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We went to the cinema last night.

My husband approached the girl at the front desk and said, “Two tickets, please.”

The girl asked, “For The Hobbit?”

He replied, “Actually, she’s my wife.”

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My friend was showing off his new gold ring so I

snatched it, took it to the nearest volcano and chucked it into the molten lava.

“What did you do that for?!” he shouted at me.

“Force of hobbit,” I replied.

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How many coins does it take to play the new “Hobbit” pinball machine?

None: it takes Tolkiens.

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From jokebook.eu

 

Joke 850

I lifted this from Robin Coyle’s blog.  Thank you, Robin!  

Which is your favourite?