The Value Of A Good Blog Title

This is a slightly edited repost from 2013, but I’m out of ideas so I thought I’d share it again.  It contains some good advice for new bloggers.

Let’s start with a poem I wrote some years ago:

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The Thing About Poetry Is

Titles
are
vital

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The same is true of blog posts.  Titles are vital to lure unsuspecting readers to your blog, where you will dazzle them with your wit and wisdom and encourage them to waste time they could have used for eating, watching TV, and sitting on the couch.

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How Not To Write A Post Title

From my blog:

• Joke 648

Unless you are looking for 648 jokes, it’s rather dull.  However, it does tell you exactly what you will find: a joke; the 648th joke in a long line of jokes.

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Be Specific

• The Value Of A Good Blog Title 

is not particularly interesting but it will attract people looking to improve their blogging.  I know this because

• Seven Tips For New Bloggers 

still attracts readers, years after being posted.  List titles like this are also popular, for reasons I’m sure psychologists could tell you, though I can’t.  

A word of caution, however: don’t be tempted to make it 147 Tips For New Bloggers, because nobody’s attention span is that long.  I know this from experience.

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Be Topical

• It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas

Posted in December, it’s seasonal and likely to attract Christmas fanatics like me. In November, it makes me the blogger who’s ahead of the game; in June, it makes me quirky and will, hopefully, make the reader curious.  But beware: posted in January, it’s the blogging equivalent of the guest who won’t leave when the party’s over.

Sometimes, being topical leads to dumb luck:

• Some Snow Facts

A fun factual post a year earlier led to my best-ever day – 4,720 hits – when Google Doodle celebrated the 125th anniversary of the discovery of the World’s Largest Snowflake.  I’d have been happier if just one of those people looking for the Google Doodle had left a comment but, hey, I’m not one to look a gift spike in the mouth.

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Reference Popular Culture

Here are some posts of mine which still receive hits:

• Twilight: I Hope Bella Remembered To Shave
  
• Seven Of Nine, And Not In A Good Way
• Robert Pattinson With Small Hairs

Being up to date with the news helps:

• What Really Happened To Gaddafi

brought in hundreds of people who thought a housewife in Stockport could tell them what 24-hour news channels and thousands of dedicated reporters could not.

Adding the word ‘Review’ to a title is another good way to attract readers. However:

1. It irritates them if you use the word ‘Review’ and then don’t review whatever it is you claim to be reviewing.  I know this from experience.
2. Reviewing books and movies four years after they’ve been released is unlikely to make your post a bestseller (I was surprised to discover).

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Use Keywords And Phrases

Here are some posts that still receive hits.  One was written six years ago:

• You’re Only As Old As The Woman You Feel – old jokes and clichéd phrases are popular searches as ageing people begin to lose their memories (I know this from experience).
  
• Smile And The World Smiles With You – the word ‘smile’ is the top search that finds this blog, with over 10,000 visits.
• A Is For ‘Arguments’ – the key word here is ‘A’.  Bizarrely, the letter ‘a’ comes in at Number 7 on my search list, with 1,044 hits.

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Sweaty Armpits (Photo credit: mricon)

Have Fun!

After all, if you’re not trying to change the world, it doesn’t matter who reads your blog so long as you are enjoying yourself.  

Here are some of my favourite titles from posts that I have written:

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• Famous With Sweaty Armpits  
• Okay, Tesco: I Forgive You
• So Many Jokes, So Little Class   I like this one for its searing honesty.
• If I Break Wind, I’ll Write About It  The previous title refers.
• I Have To Kill My Kindle
• Love Many, Trust Few And A Canoe
• I’m Three Mugs Of Tea Away From Becoming A Feminist
• It’s Time To Give Up Food   I like this one for its absurd premise.
• Ten Don’ts For When I’m Dead  Another list post.
• Bring In Arms Fat Mummy
• Hula Hoops. Very Proud Of The Queen.   I can’t claim credit for this one as it was from a comment by another blogger.
• Vasectomy Dog And A Frog Disease Called Awesome
• Camping: The Art Of Staying Wet Indoors
• Flying To Spain In A Manky Cardi
• A Labled Easy To Follow Leg
• Sandra Bullock Has A Sex Change And Retires To Norfolk

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A Final Tip

Related to blogging but not to titles in particular: ask an open-ended question. A question as title will pull in the curious and the opinionated (I know this from experience).  You don’t have to use it as a title, however; you can use it as a closing sentence.  It never fails (I know this from experience).

What are your blogging tips?

Joke 822

The last one, I swear!

More How To Write Good, this time from William Safire’s Rules for Writers.

• Parenthetical words however must be enclosed in commas.

1. It behooves you to avoid archaic expressions.
2. Avoid archaeic spellings too.
3. Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
4. Don’t use commas, that, are not, necessary.
5. Do not use hyperbole; not one in a million can do it effectively.
6. Never use a big word when a diminutive alternative would suffice.
7. Subject and verb always has to agree.
8. Placing a comma between subject and predicate, is not correct.
9. Use youre spell chekker to avoid mispeling and to catch typograhpical errers.
10. Don’t repeat yourself, or say again what you have said before.
11. Use the apostrophe in it’s proper place and omit it when its not needed.
12. Don’t never use no double negatives.
13. Poofread carefully to see if you any words out.
14. Hopefully, you will use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
    16. Eschew obfuscation.
    17. No sentence fragments.
    18. Don’t indulge in sesquipedalian lexicological constructions.
    19. A writer must not shift your point of view.
    20. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
    21. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
    22. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
    23. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
    24. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
    25. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
    26. Always pick on the correct idiom.
    27. The adverb always follows the verb.
    28. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
    29. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be by rereading and editing.
    30. And always be sure to finish what

 

Joke 676

How to Write Good

Writing (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren’t necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.”

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don’t be redundant; don’t use more words than necessary; it’s highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don’t never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They’re old hat; seek viable alternatives.

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From jokesaboutwriting.

Joke 671

Q:  How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A:  Why does it have to be changed?

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Three guys are sitting at a bar.

#1: “…Yeah, I make $75,000 a year after taxes.”

#2: “What do you do for a living?

“#1: “I’m a stockbroker. How much do you make?

#2: “I should clear $60,000 this year.”

#1: “What do you do?”

#2: “I’m an architect.”

The third guy has been sitting there quietly, staring into his beer, when the others turn to him.

#2: “Hey, how much do you make per year?”

#3: “I guess about $13,000.”

#1: “Oh yeah? What kind of stories do you write?”

***

 

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From writersjokes.

How A Post Is Made

St. Augustine writing, revising, and re-writing: Sandro Botticelli’s St. Augustine in His Cell (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

• Write
• Save after every paragraph
• Squeeze in all available puns
• And then some more
• Save
• Proofread  
• Google Proofread proof read for correct usage  
• Save
• Justify text
• Save
• Change font colour to red
• Save
• Change font colour to black
• Save
• Add picture(s)
• Save(s)
• Add links
• Save
• Preview
• Check links work
• Check links highlighted
• Check links open in another page
• Save
• Spell check
• Save
• Preview
• Check
• Check
• Check
• Check
• Check again
• Add Categories  
• Add Tags  
• Add witty Twitter comment to entice readers
• Publish
• Check

A post takes about thirty minutes to write and ninety minutes to perfect.

If I come back to a post at a later date and discover a typo or other error, I have to rest on my bed for an afternoon to recover.

This post first appeared two years ago.  

The system is rigidly adhered to.  Or else.

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Tory Boy (Photo credit: Big Richard C)

NOTE:

Tory Boy gave me a heart attack.  I was preparing this post and he was sitting on the couch behind me.

TB2: You’ve published early.

TB1: I haven’t published yet.

TB2: Yes you have – ‘How A Post Is Made’.  There’s a list.

TB1: [Terrified Small Creature impression; looks from monitor to TB2’s tablet to monitor]: Oh no!  Oh no!  Oh no!  I can’t believe it!  I’m writing about writing perfect posts and I screwed up!

TB2: [Collapsed in heap of hysterical laughter]: … … … …

TB2: You haven’t published!  I read the title on your monitor!  [Rushes to toilet in wet pants] [Not really; but a mother needs her revenge]

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This is the same child who managed to get me to thank him for locking his brother in the loft.  Putting away the Christmas decorations, Spud was up top, Tory Boy passing to him, and I was directing.  Once the last, fragile bag was carefully passed up, I headed downstairs, calling ‘Thanks’ a split-second after TB closed the loft hatch on his brother, sealing him into the crowded, dirty and freezing roof space.

I don’t think Spud minded – it looks better than his room.

 

NaNoWriMo Update

nanowrimo (Photo credit: evilnick)

You may have noticed, after my first burst of enthusiasm, that I went quiet on the subject of NaNoWriMo.  Then again, you may actually have a life.

I signed up for NaNo to settle an argument: the Hub reckons I have a novel in me; I don’t believe I do.  I was prepared to fight fair and give it a real go.  Either way, I’d win: either I had a novel in me, in which case, hooray!  I’d have written a novel; or I wouldn’t, in which case, hooray!  I won an argument.

I won the argument but I couldn’t gloat because the Hub looked so sad.  He’s such a spoil sport.

The bit I have written isn’t very good.  That’s no false modesty: I’ve read enough tripe to know when I’m writing it.  I am a Twihard, after all.

I had intended to have a heroine only – Daisy, deserted by her husband, jobless and searching – but a hero appeared on the scene, name of Jack (a manly name; I made a point of saying so).

Jack was an accidental hero and it was incidental that he happened to be a traffic warden.  While I was still in the throes of writing passion in early November, I envisioned Jack and Daisy in their follow-up novel: Daisy works alongside Jack (it’s the kind of job you’d have to be desperate to take, which she is); they become sleuthing traffic wardens.  I doubt such a pair exist in literature – most writers want readers to like their characters.

I got to about Day 14.  I had about 12,000 words.  I took a couple of days off to do stuff that needed doing…and I never went back.  Every time I thought about sitting down to it, I found something else to do.

For a time the guilt hung over me: I signed up for NaNo; I should see it through; it doesn’t have to be great – it just has to be done.

Then I decided to say, ‘Stuff it!  I don’t want to do it.’ And I stopped feeling guilty.

Writing has always been a joy for me, even essays.  This was the most un-fun I’ve ever had when writing.  I’m not sorry I stopped.  

But I do like the idea of sleuthing traffic wardens.  Maybe I’ll sign up for NaNoWriMo next year and finish the novel.  The Hub is always saying I have a book in me.  It’s about time he won an argument.

NaNoWriMo Day 8

Yes, well…

If you recall, I’m attempting NaNoWriMo, to settle an argument with the Hub as to whether I have a novel in me or not.

To be considered a ‘winner’ it is necessary to write 1667 words a day to reach the target of 50,000 words.

Day One: Full of enthusiasm even though I think I don’t have a novel in me.  Easily reach the target.  Don’t mind the Hub winning this one.

Day Two:  Still enthusiastic,  the book is writing itself.  Come on, publishers, start courting me!

Day Three:  Busy day, don’t start writing until six p.m., by which time I’m ready for bed.  Drig out a thossand words of my comedey navel.

Day Four:  Another busy day.  Start at five.  Comedy is killed by a mystery element.  Hmm, write a murder mystery of sorts, but keep the housewife and the traffic warden?  Nine hundred words.

Day Five: 

Day Six: Wrote nothing yesterday because of everything I had to do in real life. However, only 1700 words behind.  I’ll soon catch up.  A thousand words.  Only 2400 words behind.  I’ll catch up.

Day Seven: Managing to make the traffic warden sexy.  Don’t know how, because I’ve never met one, and he’s modelled on the Hub.  Oops!  Discover the power of words: but he’s modelled on the Hub.  Only 3583 words behind.  Will I catch up?

Day Eight: Make a model of the computer and stick pins in it.

If I do have a novel in me, it’s trite, dull and meaningless.

They say you should write what you know.

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For my non-Brit readers, a definition:

Traffic Warden: Evil creature sent to torment innocent drivers who only parked illegally for five minutes but it was urgent and yes, they know the rules of the road apply to them as well but, please, officer, please, please, please, my partner will kill me if I get another ticket…

 

Joke 594

This one comes from jokesaboutwriters.

Sweatshop (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell.

She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”

A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.

“Wait a minute,” said the writer. “This is just as bad as hell!”

“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”

 

How To Settle An Argument: Write A Novel

Or not.

The Hub and I have an ongoing argument: he thinks I’m a great writer (no argument there) but I’m wasted on poetry because there’s no money in it.  I should write a novel, he thinks.

My argument is, I don’t have a novel in me.  No ideas for a story, no desire to write one, and my reliance on colons and semicolons is such that, although I might do a Cormac McCarthy thing and start a trend, it really helps to sell books if you tell a good story first; then the punctuation, grammar, etc., won’t matter. Just ask Stephenie Meyer.

English: British actor Robert Pattinson at the premiere of Water for Elephants in 2011. (Photo credit: Wikipedia) Gratuitous use of RP’s picture solely for the benefit of Tilly Bud

Write a book, he’s always saying.  Write a book.

Nah, is being my answer (not bad grammar – I’m paraphrasing Love Actually).

Write a book, like it’s that simple.

I’ll tell you what is not simple: listening to the Hub saying the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and…see how quickly that becomes dull?

We watched Water for Elephants – me for Robert Pattinson; the Hub for the elephant (he’s not keen on Reese Witherspoon).  After the film, I did what I always do after a movie: checked Wikipedia for background details.  I have the internet; the information is freely available: why shouldn’t I be a nerd if I want to?

Guess what?  The film is based on the book of the same name by Sara Gruen, who wrote the first draft as part of NaNoWriMo – National Novel Writing Month.

Here’s another fact, irrelevant to this one, but I always think of it whenever I think of NaNo elephants and it creeps me out so I have to share it: the book Fifty Shades of Grey started life as Twilight fan fiction.  

You can see why that might creep me out, can’t you?  From vampire virgins to young bondage victims (I hear).  Icky.

So…best-selling novels-nagging husbands-vampires-elephants… There could be only one outcome: I’ve signed up for NaNoWriMo.  At best, it will settle the argument once and for all: I do not have a novel in me.  At better, it will settle the argument once and for all: I have a novel in me.  I don’t mind the Hub winning that one if I get a book and film deal out of it.

Now, what shall I call it?  

Water for Vampires…Twilight of the Pattinsons…Fifty Shades of Elephant Grey…

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Related articles

• National Novel Writing Month…am I brave enough? (bcsirrom.wordpress.com)
• National Novel Writing Month (bloggingtonybennett.com)

 

I Feel Like Dancing

The first rule of self-promotion is to keep your audience in the loop, so here’s me being loopy:

The first edit of Apartheid’s All Right If You’re White is finished!

You know, my book of poetry memoir about my time in South Africa during and after Apartheid.  Pay attention, people.  How can I self-promote if you’re not listening?

I say ‘first edit’ but it has been edited to the nth degree.  The first poem was probably written about 1992.  My skills have improved a little since then and the poem is probably quite different to how it started life.  Poems are never finished; they are simply polished to the level of my ability.

The poems first appeared in public on a short-lived blog dedicated to them.  I added the memoir for context.  That would have been that but Viv nagged me to gather and edit them for publication.  Her reward is to critique the finished product.  Pseu is also being punished.  Thank you, ladies.

I feel like dancing because it has taken about six months (and twenty years) to get this far.  Summer interrupted; visitors interrupted; new sheds interrupted; illness interrupted…i.e. I did anything but work on it.  

I write, therefore I procrastinate.

My intention was to self-publish, as you know, but Viv insists that I first try submitting the collection to unwary publishers.  Look out for a slew of despairing posts on yet another rejection.  

I write, therefore editors assassinate.

Once Viv and Pseu have done their evil but essential work, I will re-edit and begin submitting.  Look out for my next post on the subject in 2014.

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I might as well get all the poetry stuff out of the way in one post:

You may remember in the summer I had three poems displayed on the Bolton Arts Trail.  All of the poems on the trail have been gathered together into one anthology.  Look:

I was excited to find one of my poems was first in the anthology – that’s never happened before.  It was dumb luck, of course: the poems are arranged alphabetically, according to the name of the shop in which they were displayed.  

I’m a writer; I need dumb luck.  And a little dancing.

In fact, that’s what I did when my edit was done: I put on some Mango Groove and gave it some wellly around the living room.  And I’m going to do that every time I complete a book stage.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Happy

 

[Writing a renga with Viv]

Six Word Saturday

(also includes Friday)

in which Tilly

thinks she’s died and gone heavenwards

[Poetry reading at Bramhall Hall]

Yesterday afternoon I was at a poetry reading by Suzanne Batty, in Stockport Central Library, which was followed by a workshop.

This morning I am at a different poetry workshop.

What a great week I’m having!

Details to follow.

I am never happier than when I’m writing or doing writing-related activities.

[Promoting my writing group]

This week’s response to the photo challenge is supposed to include a new gallery feature that WordPress have introduced – they are as happy with that as I am with my workshops – but I only have 11% space left and all of these pictures have been on my blog before, so I have copied and pasted these photos instead of uploading.

To compensate, and to keep to the spirit of the exercise – which I am happy to do – here is a photo of me, happy (ecstatic, actually) in a gallery:

[Standing with a piece of art work inspired by a poem of mine]

For more Six Word Saturdays, go here.

Related articles

• Weekly Photo Challenge: Happy (danajoward.wordpress.com)
• Weekly Photo Challenge: Happy (skedazzles.com)
• Give Poetry a Try (michelemathews.com)
• Poetry on the wrong day (thousandmonkeys.wordpress.com)

 

We Did It At The Library

It went well yesterday.  Four Stockport Writers sat and wrote in the middle of the library, and as many as two people approached us, looking for more information.  Result! 

We will have a presence in the library next week (when we are running a free workshop) and the week after.

The real result, for me, was that I wrote four poems.  I don’t think I wrote four poems in the whole of January.  Dedicated writing time (unblogrelated) is such a luxury.

101/1001 (1)

Sarsm had a good idea: let’s do 101 challenges in 1001 days.  I didn’t think it was a good idea at first (too much like hard work), but I’m always banging on about grabbing opportunities so I thought I’d better grab this one and hold it gingerly by the fingertips and see what happened.  Once I’d hit on my first challenge and was able to start with something already done, I began to warm to it. 

This is how blogging about the challenge is going to work: I’ll put a copy of this post on its own page, for reference; I’ll update it regularly.  When I do something interesting relating to the challenges, I’ll blog about it as normal.  When I’ve completed a challenge, I’ll highlight it in red and bold. 

1. Accept a challenge I don’t really want to do.
2. Find another 64 challenges for the list.  (0/64) All suggestions gratefully received but not necessarily acted upon.  I’m a wimp.
3. Get a job.
4. Hit 100,000 visitors on my blog (39,036/100000)
5. Learn how to upload new photos from the camera to the computer for my blog instead of relying on the Hub.  I’ve been blogging for almost two years; I think it’s time.
6. Learn how to scan photos for my blog  See comment in Challenge 5.
7. Hug a stranger.
8. Submit thirty poems to competitions or publishers (0/30)
9. Blog 1111 times (1/1111) I don’t think this one is really a challenge for me but I need some that are achievable to keep me going.
10. Try out three new recipes (0/3)  To make up for the last one, this is a huge challenge: I hate cooking; I hate new recipes more than I hate cooking.
11. Try three new foods (0/3)  I’m not adventurous with food but trying new ones is how I discovered peppers, my favourite vegetable, so I’ll give it a go.
12. Read thirty books (0/30)  I lost the habit of reading for pleasure while studying for my degree.  I’m looking forward to this one.
13. Watch 101 new films (0/101)
14. Tell a joke every day for the next 1001 days (0/1001)
15. Visit five new museums/galleries (0/5)  This will be harder than it sounds because I’ve visited all the local ones and travel finances are restricted.
16. Make home-made lemonade. 
17. Manage ten real sit-ups.  Never ever managed it in 47 years of life.
18. Manage twenty real sit-ups.  I was going to make this a challenge on its own but I need to do it in baby steps; I did consider the challenge, ‘Manage 5 real sit-ups.’
19. Write 101 new poems (0/101)
20. Get 101 different flags visiting my blog (134/101) This was a little easier than I expected; I just went to the flag counter and I’ve already had 134 flags visit even before I start the challenge.  So, to make it harder and make up this list…
21. Get 101 different countries visiting my blog (78/101)
22. Save £1 for each completed task.  Once I get £101 together, I can treat my family.  £1 per task is my limit because, as the saying goes, there’s always too much month at the end of the money.
23. Finish editing SA Poems.
24. Send off SA Poems to a publisher.
25. Start learning to play the guitar.
26. Buy a guitar.
27. Walk the dogs for 1001 hours (0/1001)
28. Lose some weight: more than a little; less than a lot.  This is deliberately non-specific because I don’t care enough to work that hard at it, but I could do with shifting a couple of kilos for my health now I’m approaching heart attack season (I suddenly realised the other day that in fifteen years I’ll be 62 – that was enough to give me a heart attack there and then).
29. Go back to computer school.
30. Get the first series of Glee on dvd.
31. Mention Maltesers in my blog for 10 consecutive days (0/10)
32. Don’t mention Maltesers in my blog for 10 consecutive days (0/10)
33. Go to the theatre.
34. Reach 13000 comments on my blog (5204/13000)
35. Learn all the words to the South African National Anthem.  I did start to learn it for the World Cup last year but I never quite got there.  When I know it, I will post a video of me singing it with my eyes closed, to prove I know it.  It will have to be with me singing along, though, if you want some tune to it. 
36. Learn how to post videos on my blog.
37. Decorate our bedroom.  We’ve been in this house 14 years and it has never been decorated (if I discount the sticky-back plastic).

As you can see, my list falls somewhat short of 101 things to do so if you have any decent/amusing suggestions, I’m all ears.

By the way, if you think this sounds like a fun thing to do, why not join us?  You tailor the tasks to yourself and set your own start date.  You’ll love it.  We have a badge and everything! 

The Glum Housewife

Image via Wikipedia

 

The plasterer has been and gone and all that remains of him is dust. 

Tory Boy has been to London and back and gone on ahead to Lancaster and all that remains of him is a mound of dirty washing and a room full of necessaries. 

The Hub has been to Painsville and back because the anti-inflammatories are now against the law and his chest infection has acquired squatters’ rights.  He was going to drive TB to uni today but he’s too unwell; he will follow with the necessaries when he can.  He will drive only; I will load the car and TB will off-load it.  The Hub also has a banging migraine, compounded by guilt at letting his son down. 

Spud Bud has gone to tea with his best friend because he’s bored with microwaved meals.  As are we all: home-made potato hash warmed up on Wednesday; Chicken Tikka in a box yesterday – tasty but anathema to me: I can’t see a frozen meal without getting a nervous tic.  I might be a lousy chef but at least it’s all home-cooked inedibles.  There’s bound to be some nutrition in there somewhere. 

The electricians left my stove connected but it was a waste of time because I made the mistake of cleaning it before they arrived and I think water leaked in somewhere and now the power trips if I put any of the rings on.  The oven still works but I’m taking bets on how long it will be before I kill that too. 

I don’t have any kitchen units or counters and my washing machine and dishwasher are not plumbed in.  So, a weekend of sitting around doing nothing is in order.  Woopdeyawndo.  On the plus side, my magazine pile is now down as far as May: Chico is predicting England will win the World Cup and the country is anxious that Rooney might do himself an injury before it starts. 

Today’s silver lining, sort of: I have discovered something astonishing – I am not as dirty as I think I am.  I find that I cannot write in a mess and the house is upside down inside out messy at the moment, so I sit at the computer playing games and can’t enjoy even that because it’s not as much fun without the pressure that I should be doing housework or writing.  I haven’t written a poem in days and I miss it. 

Signed, Self Pitying of Stockport 

  

  

  

The Ideas Of March

Read this at parentdish: http://www.parentdish.com/2010/03/17/danish-artist-dresses-her-baby-like-hitler-other-evil-dictators/ and this: http://www.parentdish.com/2010/03/17/moms-fight-to-hang-her-laundry-outside-gets-dirty/.   

I believe in freedom of expression but I am repulsed by pictures of babies dressed as brutal murderers.  I believe in saving the planet and clean clothes but you have to respect a majority vote so long as no-one is getting hurt.

I believe I have nothing to blog about today so I thought you might like some odd news.  If I find any, I’ll let you know.

This is turning out to be a funny month.  I have hardly written anything since Christmas but suddenly I am busy with writing events; as well as those I have told you about, I am going to workshop On The Park  with Year Six children at the school where I help out.  After their SATs, of course, so I have weeks to not sleep at night, worrying about it.

It occurred to me to look for writing jobs i.e. full-time, salaried positions that require me to put pen to paper or finger to keyboard, as well as admin jobs.  And they are out there!  I am not qualified for any of them, sadly, but that’s a minor detail.

I’m feeling a little sad today because I have my last writing class tonight.  I have thoroughly enjoyed it and I have learned a lot.  It was my third creative writing course since finishing with the OU.  I’ll have to find another college but Stockport is rapidly running out.

Any ideas?