The Hub: What do you want for Christmas?
Tilly Bud: Nothing, really. I could do with some new socks. Oh, and I’ve run out of perfume. Maltesers, of course. A large Amazon book voucher. And somebody better buy me the Outlander DVD or you three are going to have a miserable Christmas. But nothing, really. You know I don’t need much.
The Week Before Christmas
Alex and I went to the local care home to join in with my church carol singing. We’re a small church but, even so, I was disappointed that he and I were the only people to show up.
Attendant: Who are you here to see?
TB: We’re here for the St Matthew’s carol singing.
Attendant: That’s tomorrow.
Here’s a conversation I never expected to have. I was watching ‘White Christmas’ with Spud. Bing Crosby and Danny Kaye were performing to ‘Sisters’.
TB: I can so see you and Sam doing that.
Spud: [Enthusiastically] Yeah! I can, too. I’ll speak to him about it.
TB: I’ve got the perfect dress you could borrow.
Spud: [Still enthusiastic]. Great! Thanks, Ma!
Christmas Eve Continued
TB: Don’t let me forget the starter tomorrow. Every year, I forget to prepare and serve the starter. But not this year!
The Hub: I have faith in you.
Christmas Eve Continued Again
TB: Hub! The dishwasher’s not working! Argh!
Hub: I’ll fix it.
Three days and seven hundred handwashed-by-me dishes later:
Hub: I can’t fix it. [TB stares] Please don’t leave me. I prefer hospital. [TB stares] But I’d rather not go to hospital. [TB stares] But we can’t afford a new dishwasher; it’s Christmas. [TB stares] Gulp.
Ten minutes later:
Hub: I bought you a new dishwasher. It’ll be here on Tuesday.
TB: Thank you, Hub, for the socks, the perfume, the Maltesers, the other sweets, the autographed photos of Cliff Richard and Chris Hemsworth, the tourmaline necklace, the emerald ring, the Outlander DVD and the twenty-seven stocking fillers. I told you I didn’t want much; I’m glad you listened.
The Hub: You deserve it all, so sweet and undemanding as you are.
Christmas Day Continued
TB: Dinner! Enjoy, my darlings. Merry Christmas!
The Hub: Um, I don’t want to upset you but you remember how you swore you wouldn’t forget the starter this year…?
Bank Holiday Monday
My brother was visiting from down south.
TB: Did you watch A Gert Lush Christmas? It was so funny. [American readers, think redneck stereotypes]
Bro [Who lives in the general area of the programme’s setting]: It’s really like that.
Bro: Seriously. They had to close Cinderford CSI, you know; they couldn’t solve any crimes.
TB [Walking right into it]: Why?
Bro: Because there were no dental records; and everyone’s got the same DNA.
Five Days After Christmas
TB: Hub! The washing machine broke down!
Hub: I’m leaving you.*
*Not really; fear makes him babble.
Six Days After Christmas
TB: Right, that’s my sack full of presents finally put away. Everything was on my desk but I had to clear them to wrap Pam’s birthday present. You know, I’ve got the feeling I’m missing something, but for the life of me, I can’t think what.
The Hub: The starters?
The Hub: Ow!
WordPress: Here’s your annual stats.
TB: Thank you, WordPress! How did I do?
WP: 22 posts all year? Loser!
Friend Pam: Thank you for the lovely birthday presents!
TB: Presents? It was just one present; the framed painting.
FP: No, no; you also gave me autographed photos of Cliff Richard and Chris Hemsworth. Weird gifts, especially Cliff’s, but I loved the Chris Hemsworth one. Thank you so much!
And finally…less talking, more singing: here’s Alex with his friends, just before Christmas.