Tag Archives: Quotes

Joke 876

16 Aug

Lemons life #lemons #cut #bastards #tequila #f...

Lemons life (Photo credit: Sin Amigos)

Thanks to Charlie for sending today’s joke.  I have posted some of them before but they are worth repeating; and many are new.

For those enamoured with the philosophy of ambiguity and inanity…

  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  • If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
  • The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • What if there were no hypothetical questions?
  • Is there another word for synonym?
  • Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
  • What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  • If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  • Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
  • If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  • Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
  • How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
  • What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  • One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
  • Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • How is it possible to have a civil war?
  • If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
  • Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
  • Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
  • Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
  • Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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Joke 830

1 Jul

bad memory, funny quotes

I have posted a joke a day for the last 118 weeks and four days…on Day 5 of Week 119 (today), I forgot!  Sorry.

By way of apology, here are some quotes about memory.  They’re not that funny but, if I remember correctly, I’ve already told you all the funny jokes about memory.  Also, they’re not that funny but, if I remember correctly, I’ve already told you all the funny jokes about memory (like that one).

  • I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs all the time. That’s my exercise.   Betty White
  • Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.   Franklin P. Adams
  • Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?   Francois de La Rochefoucauld
  • We can remember minutely and precisely only the things which never really happened to us.   Eric Hoffer 
  • There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted.   James Branch Cabell
  • Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.   John Kenneth Galbraith
  • When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.   Mark Twain
  • He who is not very strong in memory should not meddle with lying. Michel de Montaigne
  • Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. Michel de Montaigne (1533 – 1592)
  • It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.   P. D. James 

Quotes from quotationspage.com & searchquotes.

Joke 812

13 Jun

Time for some Groucho Marx.  You’ve probably heard them all but they are always worth sharing again.

  • No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
  • Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
  • Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.
  • A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
  • One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
  • Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
  • I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
  • I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
  • Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
  • I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
  • I intend to live forever, or die trying.
  • I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

From brainyquote.

Joke 735

28 Mar
  • What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.  Rodney Dangerfield
  • Photo
  • She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.   Bob Hope
  • When someone asks you the question, “Are you ticklish?” it doesn’t matter if you say yes or no, cause they’re going to touch you. If someone asks if you’re ticklish and you don’t want to be touched you should say something like, “I have diarrhoea, now don’t touch me cause you’ll make it come out…and yes, I’m very ticklish.”   Demetri Martin
  • I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it’s all a little lower.   Gypsy Rose Lee
  • Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?  George Carlin
  • All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat’s life than that. But I hope not. Garfield
  • How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don’t know how to spell my name.  (Upon receiving a cheque from Jack Buck made out to “Bearer”) Yogi Berra
  • Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.  Kin Hubbard
  • Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain
  • I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.  Will Rogers
  • I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.  Erma Bombeck

Photo

Thanks to Elizabeth at Mirth & Musings for the jokes; the pics are from Facebook.

Joke 724

17 Mar
"Deport All Politicians"

“Deport All Politicians” (Photo credit: xahldera) This one’s for Viv

Politicians’ Gaffes

  • China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.  President Charles de Gaulle
  • This is a great day for France!  President Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral
  • Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.  President Gerald Ford
  • Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life. Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty
  • My fellow astronauts…  Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration
  • Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.  Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
  • We found the term ‘killing’ too broad.  State Department spokesperson on why the word ‘killing’ was replaced with ‘unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life’ in its human rights reports for 1984-5
  • The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police.  U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad

From Will & Guy

Joke 708

1 Mar
Funny Sign

Funny Sign (Photo credit: mrapplegate)

Quote…Unquote

  • Visitors to Longforth Road public toilets might be interested to know they are now being powered by wind.  (Wellington Weekly News)

    Funny Sign

    Funny Sign (Photo credit: TheYoYoMaN)

  • June 10-16: Open Bowels Tournament Teignmouth. (Events Leaflet for South Devon)
  • If Tesco, BHS, ASDA and others can supervise toilets effectively, it’s time our council got to the bottom of the matter. (Wrexham Leader)

This next one isn’t toilet related but it did prompt me to suggest to the Hub that, if he still wanted a daughter, we could always buy one, if he didn’t mind secondhand children:

  • Nearly New Baby Sale (Poster on an Altrincham roundabout)
Funny Sign

Funny Sign (Photo credit: jamacdonald)

And finally…

A priest ran out of petrol on his way home.   Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away.  Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers.  The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol.  After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot.  Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said, ‘Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine, but I think you’re pushing your luck this time.’

Funny Signs or Pictures 09

Funny Signs or Pictures 09 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

First quotes and joke from Will & Guy.

Funny Signs or Pictures 07

Funny Signs or Pictures 07 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

Joke 695

16 Feb
funny-quote-01

funny-quote-01 (Photo credit: Dancing Lemur)

Quote…Unquote

  • Never judge a book by its movie.   JW Eagan
  • Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. Cullen Hightower
  • If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day. John A. Wheeler
  • She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.  Groucho Marx
  • My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.  Rodney Dangerfield
  • Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.  Sue Murphy
  • Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.  Doug Larson
  • Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.  Ernest Benn
  • Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.  Andy Rooney
  • The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.  Alfred Hitchcock
  • The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.  Ronald Reagan
  • There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.  Will Rogers
  • funny-quote-02

    funny-quote-02 (Photo credit: Dancing Lemur)

    The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.  Hunter S. Thompson

From Will & Guy

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