Joke 876

Lemons life (Photo credit: Sin Amigos)

Thanks to Charlie for sending today’s joke.  I have posted some of them before but they are worth repeating; and many are new.

For those enamoured with the philosophy of ambiguity and inanity…

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
• The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”
• What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
• What was the best thing before sliced bread?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• How is it possible to have a civil war?
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it?
• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

Joke 830

I have posted a joke a day for the last 118 weeks and four days…on Day 5 of Week 119 (today), I forgot!  Sorry.

By way of apology, here are some quotes about memory.  They’re not that funny but, if I remember correctly, I’ve already told you all the funny jokes about memory.  Also, they’re not that funny but, if I remember correctly, I’ve already told you all the funny jokes about memory (like that one).

• I have a two-story house and a bad memory, so I’m up and down those stairs all the time. That’s my exercise.   Betty White
• Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory.   Franklin P. Adams
• Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we have told it to the same person?   Francois de La Rochefoucauld
• We can remember minutely and precisely only the things which never really happened to us.   Eric Hoffer 
• There is not any memory with less satisfaction than the memory of some temptation we resisted.   James Branch Cabell
• Nothing is so admirable in politics as a short memory.   John Kenneth Galbraith
• When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.   Mark Twain
• He who is not very strong in memory should not meddle with lying. Michel de Montaigne
• Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it. Michel de Montaigne (1533 – 1592)
• It was one of those perfect English autumnal days which occur more frequently in memory than in life.   P. D. James 

Quotes from quotationspage.com & searchquotes.

Joke 812

Time for some Groucho Marx.  You’ve probably heard them all but they are always worth sharing again.

• No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
• Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
• Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
• My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
• I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
• I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• I intend to live forever, or die trying.
• I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  

From brainyquote.

Joke 735

• What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.  Rodney Dangerfield
• 
• She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.   Bob Hope
• When someone asks you the question, “Are you ticklish?” it doesn’t matter if you say yes or no, cause they’re going to touch you. If someone asks if you’re ticklish and you don’t want to be touched you should say something like, “I have diarrhoea, now don’t touch me cause you’ll make it come out…and yes, I’m very ticklish.”   Demetri Martin
• I have everything I had 20 years ago, only it’s all a little lower.   Gypsy Rose Lee
• Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?  George Carlin
• All I do is eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. Eat and sleep. There must be more to a cat’s life than that. But I hope not. Garfield
• How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don’t know how to spell my name.  (Upon receiving a cheque from Jack Buck made out to “Bearer”) Yogi Berra
• Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while.  Kin Hubbard
• Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person. Mark Twain
• I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.  Will Rogers
• I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.  Erma Bombeck

Thanks to Elizabeth at Mirth & Musings for the jokes; the pics are from Facebook.

Joke 724

“Deport All Politicians” (Photo credit: xahldera) This one’s for Viv

Politicians’ Gaffes

• China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.  President Charles de Gaulle
• This is a great day for France!  President Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral
• Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.  President Gerald Ford
• Capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life. Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty
• My fellow astronauts…  Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration
• Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.  Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
• We found the term ‘killing’ too broad.  State Department spokesperson on why the word ‘killing’ was replaced with ‘unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life’ in its human rights reports for 1984-5
• The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police.  U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad

From Will & Guy

Joke 708

Funny Sign (Photo credit: mrapplegate)

Quote…Unquote

• Visitors to Longforth Road public toilets might be interested to know they are now being powered by wind.  (Wellington Weekly News)
  

  Funny Sign (Photo credit: TheYoYoMaN)

• June 10-16: Open Bowels Tournament Teignmouth. (Events Leaflet for South Devon)
• If Tesco, BHS, ASDA and others can supervise toilets effectively, it’s time our council got to the bottom of the matter. (Wrexham Leader)

This next one isn’t toilet related but it did prompt me to suggest to the Hub that, if he still wanted a daughter, we could always buy one, if he didn’t mind secondhand children:

• Nearly New Baby Sale (Poster on an Altrincham roundabout)

Funny Sign (Photo credit: jamacdonald)

And finally…

A priest ran out of petrol on his way home.   Fortunately, the village garage was only about half a mile away.  Amazingly, the garage did not have any petrol containers.  The priest pleaded that the garage owner must have a container that would hold half a gallon of petrol.  After much searching the proprietor came up with a chamber pot.  Although it was not strictly legal, they filled the chamber pot with petrol and the priest set off happily back to his car.

Just as the priest was decanting the petrol from the chamber pot into his tank a lorry driver stopped, wound down his window and said, ‘Father, I have heard of the miracle of changing water into wine, but I think you’re pushing your luck this time.’

Funny Signs or Pictures 09 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

First quotes and joke from Will & Guy.

Funny Signs or Pictures 07 (Photo credit: DrJohnBullas)

Joke 695

funny-quote-01 (Photo credit: Dancing Lemur)

Quote…Unquote

• Never judge a book by its movie.   JW Eagan
• Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. Cullen Hightower
• If you haven’t found something strange during the day, it hasn’t been much of a day. John A. Wheeler
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.  Groucho Marx
• My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.  Rodney Dangerfield
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.  Sue Murphy
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.  Doug Larson
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.  Ernest Benn
• Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.  Andy Rooney
• The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.  Alfred Hitchcock
• The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.  Ronald Reagan
• There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.  Will Rogers
• 

  funny-quote-02 (Photo credit: Dancing Lemur)

  The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.  Hunter S. Thompson

From Will & Guy

Shower Power

The question was once asked, How long do you think you could go without a shower?

I would answer, It depends on the shower.

En la ducha xD (Photo credit: Little Phoenix ♥)

• Bathroom Shower: I went for weeks without a shower while the bathroom was re-fitted.  I can go at least every other day now it’s back; it’s not like I ever get dirty cleaning the house, is it?  I could move to Antarctica: on base there, you are only allowed to take two, two-minute showers a week.
• April showers: I can manage from May to March without breaking a sweat.
• Meteor showers: I’d like to see one, but from a distance; so I would have to say ‘indefinitely’.
• Showers of blessings: I’d like them all the time.
• Cold showers: Too tired to ever need one.
• My family (usually referred to scornfully by me as ‘that shower!’): Not at all; somebody has to go out for the Maltesers.

Napoleon once wrote to Mrs Napoleon, ‘I’ll be home in a week – don’t bathe till I get there.’  That’s my kind of man.

Some more bathing quotes:

• People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.   Erma Bombeck
• Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.  Dodie Smith, I Capture the Castle
• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.   Joan Rivers and/or Rodney Dangerfield
• Basically my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.  Woody Allen
• Last Wednesday, I stupidly dropped my iPhone in the bath, and my life has sort of spiraled almost out of control.  Patrick Stewart

Read more at brainyquote.com

And finally, here’s a little something I came across that I think most of you will enjoy.  It has nothing to do with our theme, except that the purists among you might feel the need to take a shower when it’s done.

Part of this post first appeared two years ago.

Related articles

• Youtube Star Bathroom Shower Curtain (internetsiao.com)

 

Joke 685

More from Phyllis Diller.

English: Phyllis Diller (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks, Terry!

• If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
• You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
• I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
• What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
• The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
• Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
• I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
• I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
• His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
• Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
• My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
• There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic cheques show a ghetto.
• My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
• Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
• I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
• The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
• You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
• It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
• There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

Joke 684

Quotes from the great Phyllis Diller

English: Phyllis Diller portrait (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the walk before it stops snowing.
• A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
• The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
• Best way to get rid of kitchen odours: eat out.
• A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
• Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.  [Everyone’s heard that before but I thought you’d like to know the source]
• I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
• Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
• Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
• Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
• Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
• We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
• Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Thanks to Terry for letting me lift this from her blog.  More tomorrow.

Joke 680

Football Quotes

Thierry Henry’s debut as a Red Bull (Photo credit: Joscarfas)

• ‘I’ve never wanted to leave. I’m here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.’ Alan Shearer
• ‘You’ve got to believe that you’ re going to win, and I believe we’ll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we’re knocked out.’ Peter Shilton
• ‘I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.’ Ade Akinbiyi
• ‘Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.’ Ian Wright
• ‘I’m as happy as I can be – but I have been happier.’ Ugo Ehiogu
• ‘Leeds is a great club and it’s been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.’ Jonathan Woodgate
• ‘The Brazilians were South American, the Ukrainians will be more European.’ Phil Neville
• ‘All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.’ Mitchell Thomas
• ‘One accusation you can’t throw at me is that I’ve always done my best.’ Alan Shearer
• ‘I’ d rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.’ Johnny Giles
• ‘Sometimes in football you have to score goals.’ Thierry Henry.
• ‘I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.’ Les Ferdinand.
• ‘It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it worked.’ Richard Rufus.
• ‘There’s no in between – you’ re either good or bad. We were in between.’ Gary Lineker.
• ‘If you don’t concede any goals you’ll win more games than you lose.’ Wayne Bridge.

From Will & Guy

Joke 636

• One good thing about Christmas shopping – it toughens you up for the January sales. – Grace Kriley
• Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it.  Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it. – Richard Lamm
• Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money. – Author unknown
• From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. – Katharine Whitehorn
• The magi, as you know, were wise men — wonderfuly wise men who brought gifts to the Babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. – O. Henry
• Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included. – English Proverb
• Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space. – Dave Barry

From about.com.

 

Joke 565

 

Thanks to Schmidley’s Scribbling for letting me lift this from her blog.

Political Aphorisms from Cousin Ellen

• The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
• We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office ~Aesop
• If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers
• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
• When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
• Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author unknown
• Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~John Quinton
• Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer
• I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
• A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Tex Guinan
• I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
• There ought to be one day — just one — when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers

 

Joke 561

From Will & Guy.

Mohandas K. Gandhi (Photo credit: Dunechaser)

Famous people can be funny…

• Gandhi was once asked what he thought of Western Civilisation. Gandhi replied, “I think that it would be a very good idea.”
• Nobody believes the official spokesman…but everybody trusts an unidentified source. – Ron Nesen
• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible. – George Burns
• There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. – Steven Wright
• Diplomacy is the art of saying, ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock. – Will Rogers
• You know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show. – Mitch Hedberg
• Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake. – Napoleon Bonaparte

Sports men are particularly amusing…

• New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
• Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
• “Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.”
• Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” And “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
• Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
• Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
• Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.’
• Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”

And our own Murray Walker, Formula 1 Commentator, is up there with the best…

• “He’s obviously gone in for a wheel change. I say obviously because I can’t see it.”
• “With half the race gone, there is half the race still to go.”
• “Do my eyes deceive me, or is Senna’s Lotus sounding rough?”
• “As you look at the first four, the significant thing is that Alboreto is fifth.”
• “He is shedding buckets of adrenalin in that car.”
• “…And I interrupt myself to bring you this….”
• “This is an interesting circuit because it has inclines, and not just up, but down as well.”
• “Only a few more laps to go and then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.”
• “Tambay’s hopes, which were nil before, are absolutely zero now.” 

Joke 533

Wedding Reportage (Photo credit: flavio.leone)

Wedding Quotes from Will & Guy.

You know what I did before I married?

Anything I wanted to.

Henny Youngman

*

Any husband who says, “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

Bill Cosby

*

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.  They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.

Rita Rudner

*

My wife dresses to kill.  She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

Milton Berle

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I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns