Joke 793

English: Snoring English Bulldog (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Every hotel was full when the tired driver pulled into town late that night. At the largest hotel he pleaded with the night manager to please find him some place to sleep.  ”Any bed will do – just a place to sleep.”

“Well, there is one regular client who always says that if we are ever full, he will be glad to split the cost of his room with someone. But I must warn you, he snores like a volcano; and we get lots of complaints from neighbouring rooms.”

“That will be no problem,” said the weary traveller, “just show me to the room.”

Next morning the man came down to breakfast looking rested and full of life. The manager said, “How’d you sleep?”

“Never better!”

“And the snoring didn’t keep you awake?”

“Slept like a baby.”

“How did you ever manage that?”

“Simple.  He snored like thunder the whole time I was getting ready for bed, but once I was ready to sleep I simply went over to him, kissed him on the cheek and said, ‘Good night cutie’.  He sat bolt upright, and watched me like a hawk the rest of the night.”

*

I love this wonderful definition of my problem:

I do NOT snore.

I am nasally repetitive.

*

From snoremd.com

 

Let Snoring Dogs Lie

English: Road north from Little Snoring to Great Snoring (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m off to see the Ear, Nose & Throat doctor this afternoon, about my snoring.  I have begun to suspect that all of this bad weather is caused by my sucking in the sun every time I inhale in my sleep.

Yes, I am that bad.

*

If you are wondering where Patrecia, Miss Whiplash, she who was always thinking about things, has gone to, it’s to a new blog, God’s Creatures, about animals.

She forgot to tell you what she was doing before she deleted her old blog.

I bet she snores; it’s hard to remember things when your head is aching from sleep-sniffing the entire contents of your bedroom.

Patrecia writes about animals, including her dogs.  

Did you know that the calculation of 7 human years for every 1 dog year is incorrect?  And did you like my smooth segue from one topic to another without the use of an asterisk?  I should be on TV.

According to BBC News, it works like this:

For first two years:

• 12.5 years per human year for the first two years for small dogs
• 10.5 years per human year for the first two years for medium-sized dogs
• 9 years per human year for the first two years forlarge dogs

For years 3+:

• Small: Dachshund (Miniature) 4.32, Border Terrier 4.47, Lhasa Apso 4.49, Shih Tzu 4.78, Whippet Medium 5.30, Chihuahua 4.87, West Highland White Terrier 4.96, Beagle 5.20, Miniature Schnauzer 5.46, Spaniel (Cocker) 5.55, Cavalier King Charles 5.77, Pug 5.95, French Bulldog 7.65
• Medium: Spaniel 5.46, Retriever (Labrador) 5.74, Golden Retriever 5.74, Staffordshire Bull Terrier 5.33, Bulldog 13.42
• Large: German Shepherd 7.84, Boxer 8.90

The Village sign, Little Snoring, Norfolk (Photo credit: Wikipedia) I can only dream…

Time for my favourite-ever joke (from the film, Dumb & Dumber):

What do you get if you cross a Shih Tsu with a Bulldog?  

A Bullshit.

*

Despite the funniest joke in the world, I think I’m in a bad mood. My head aches: my dog woke me an hour early for his breakfast, and wouldn’t take ‘no’ (or ‘Get lost, you horrible dog!’) for an answer.  You’d think at age 39.34 he’d be able to fix his own breakfast.

He’ll be wanting me to run his shower for him next.

*

I think I’m mostly in a bad mood because a popcorn machine arrived this morning.  

Do you like a lot of salt on your Hub?

Joke 792

English Words With Quirky Logic

• There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger.
  

  Guinea Pig baby. About 8 hours old. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• Have you noticed that there is neither apple nor pine in pineapple?
• English muffins weren’t invented in England.
• French fries do not originate in France.
• A guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
• There are no hogs in Hogmanay.
• Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?
• You cannot buy boots in Boots. You cannot buy threshers in Threshers.  The Superdrug chain is a big disappointment.
• Quicksand only works slowly
• If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth?
• If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught?
• If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
• Sweetmeats are sweets while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

From Will & Guy.

Joke 791

Silly string in action (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Staying with the silly, because I’m in that sort of mood…

Colonialist left these three in the comments section of yesterday’s joke.   Nobody reads comments any more, now that we can answer from the tool bar, so Col has given me permission to share them.

If silly is not your bag, look away now.

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If you cross one bit of wood with another, would you get cross? 

*

What do you get if you cross a road with a chicken?

Run over.

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What do you get if you cross a field with a singing insect and a flying mouse?

A turn with a cricket bat.

*

I’m not sure I get that last one but the other two made me laugh so much, it doesn’t matter

Thanks, Col!

Groggy Is As Groggy Does

Yesterday was a long day because we had visitors and, as they were people we’d never met before (an airline geek internet friend – and his wife – of the Hub; a lovely couple), that meant a major clean (actual) and declutter (pretend – everything went in the shed and will come out again today) of the house, followed by pretty sandwich-making on my part.

They left around seven and the Hub and I watched a movie before bed, but I struggled to sleep because I was still feeling wound up by the unusual activity (cleaning).  I finally fell asleep some time after midnight but the alarm woke me at six-thirty in the middle of a dream in which I felt really ill – so ill, in fact, that I still felt it when I awoke and I was groggy for about an hour after.

I put the shower on for Spud (yes, I spoil him, but he’s in the middle of exams and I want him to have as much sleep as he possibly can, and I can add five minutes by preparing his shower) and went downstairs.  It was only as I was waiting for the kettle to boil that I realised I had forgotten to wake him.  Not good on a day when he has two exams.

He was done and down before I’d made his breakfast (a boy doing his exams must not do them on an empty stomach), half-asleep as I was; and he couldn’t get much sense out of me.

He tells me his thought processes went like this: Mum’s weird this morning.  I wonder if she could be having a stroke?  Oh no!  Who’ll make my breakfast in future?

When I related this to the Hub, he suggested that Spud might have some difficulty at university without me.

Spud reckons it won’t be a problem: he’s going to live off cereal and tomato sauce butties.

Well, it’s been nice chatting to you but I must go: I have to prepare a summer-long cookery course for a teenager: I want grandchildren one day.

Joke 790

Some silliness is called for…

English: Joke shield of Princess Beatrice of York. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?

A gummy bear.

*

What do you do with a sick boat?

Take it to the doc.

*

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure?

He was a little shellfish.

*

What is invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit farts.

*

What game would you play with a wombat?

Wom.

*

What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?

A bahhum bug.

From theoatmeal.

Joke 789

Questions Which Have No Answers

• Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• Why don’t we ever see this headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a “Broker”?
• Why isn’t there mouse flavoured cat food?
• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• If flying is so safe, why does an airport have a terminal? 
• If people from Poland are called ‘Poles’, why aren’t people from Holland called ‘Holes?’
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

From Will & Guy.