Joke 990

8 Dec

From an email doing the rounds:

  • Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.   Dave Barry
  • In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.   Dereke Bruce
  • You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets.   Nora Ephron
  • Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.   Robert A. Heinlein
  • Whoever said you can’t buy happiness forgot about puppies.   Gene Hill
  • To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.   Aldous Huxley
  • There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.   Ben Williams
  • Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.   Unknown
  • Cats were once worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.   Unknown
  • Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.   Jeff Valdez
  • Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to.   Joe Gores
  • I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.   August Strindberg
  • In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.   English Proverb
  • If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.   Alfred North Whitehead
  • My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That’s almost $7.00 in dog money.    Joe Weinstein
  • Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.   Unknown
  • A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.   Mark Twain
  • Dogs come when they are called; cats take a message and get back to you.   Mary Bly
  • The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.   Warren Bennis
Bucket-headed dog

Bucket-headed dog (Photo credit: Paul Kidd)

From the archive:

*

An old man approached a young stranger in the post office and asked, “Sir, would you address this postcard for me?”

The young man gladly did so, and then offered to write a short note for the old fellow. Finally the stranger asked, “Now, is there anything else I can do for you?”

The old man thought a moment and said, “Yes, at the end could you add, ‘Please excuse the sloppy handwriting’?”

*

I just got back from a statistical probability conference.  It was average.

*

I told my friend about the creative writing class I took, and she said that she had a simile experience.

*

Three old ladies, sisters, died and arrived at the pearly gates, where St Peter greeted them.

“You have led virtuous lives, without sin;  but then you have never been in the way of temptation.  So you can come in but you must look after the ducks.”  They were taken to a huge hangar where the floor was covered with ducks of all ages, and warned that they would be punished if they killed or damaged a single duck.

Sure enough, one old lady tripped, stood on a duck and killed it.  As a punishment, she was handcuffed to the smelliest, ugliest, wartiest old man for eternity. One month later, another old lady stood on a duck and she was similarly punished.  A few weeks later, the third old lady was handcuffed to a handsome young Adonis, the answer to all her secret desires.

“What have I done to deserve this?”  she asks.

“I don’t know, ” said the young man; “but I stood on a duck.”

dog

dog (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

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12 Responses to “Joke 990”

  1. Terry December 8, 2013 at 04:08 #

    I love the gas pump the best, because I say the same thing every time I get gas

    Like

  2. tskraghu December 8, 2013 at 04:32 #

    Abs hilarious, thank you.

    Like

  3. Patricia December 8, 2013 at 05:08 #

    This is wonderful!! Good Laugh!

    Like

  4. jmgoyder December 8, 2013 at 06:52 #

    I like the one about the old man in the post office.

    Like

  5. slpmartin December 8, 2013 at 07:28 #

    Some good ones in that list of jokes.

    Like

    • joursdemots December 8, 2013 at 09:56 #

      ‘I just got back from a statistical probability conference. It was average.’
      —That’s a mean joke

      Like

      • http://vivinfrance.wordpress.com December 8, 2013 at 10:09 #

        Hi Jours de Mots – So that’s where you’ve been since your last post way back in August!

        Some great jokes there, Tilly – you’re spoiling us – you coud do one a day and finish your 1001, but my mornings would never be the same after that!

        Like

  6. SchmidleysScribbling December 8, 2013 at 15:17 #

    Dogs…you gotta love them…Dianne

    Like

  7. viveka December 8, 2013 at 16:07 #

    Postoffice … brilliant.

    Like

  8. Grannymar December 8, 2013 at 18:42 #

    Cats might think that they own the world, but I have news for them…. I choose who sits on my lap!

    Like

  9. katharinetrauger December 9, 2013 at 02:12 #

    I am NO coward, but I’ve had an experience simile to the old guy in the post office. ;-D

    Like

  10. bluebee December 15, 2013 at 04:23 #

    “Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to” – wonderful 🙂

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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