First, jokes from the archive:
Very British Problems
There was a knock on the door one morning. Seamus opened it to find a young, well-dressed man standing there who said, “Hello sir, I’m a Jehovah’s Witness.”
Seamus said, “Come in and sit down.”
After he offered his visitor a fresh cup of coffee, Seamus asked, “What do you want to talk about?”
The Jehovah’s Witness said, “Beats me. Nobody ever let me in before.”
Any guy out there who believes women are the weaker sex has never tried to reclaim his half of the blanket on a cold winter’s night.
An old sea-captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different colour…green, red, orange, blue and yellow.
After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him.
“What’s the matter old-timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old captain replied, “Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
From A Doctor:
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall.
‘Big breaths,’ I instructed.
‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
And finally, at last, here it comes, ta-da!
From Heroes magazine (supporting the British military), my 1001st joke:
Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlit tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, “Isn’t it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?”
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, “Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I’m sitting here?”
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
The private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, “What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!”
And here’s my end-of-performance jig, to celebrate:
Thank you, everyone, for reading along and commenting. It has been my pleasure.