Joke 806

Image taken from Answer It’s blog.

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Flight Attendant’s Announcement:

Please decide what you will be doing before you enter the lavatory, as once you enter there is no turning around.

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If at first you don’t succeed, don’t try skydiving.

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Jokes from familyfriendjokes.com

 

 

 

Joke 800

Dog Dressed as Air Force Pilot (Photo credit: http://www.petsadviser.com)

True Stories from Flight Attendants

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture,” and their other announcements, a bit more entertaining.  Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

• “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
• “We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane.”
• Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
• “Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.”
• “As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
• “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
• And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry…Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”
• Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault…it was the asphalt!”
• Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
• Another Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady, walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?” “Why no Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
• After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”
• Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

From scaruffi.com

Joke 477

Stewardess, circa 1949-50, American Overseas, Flaghip Denmark, Boeing 377 Stratocruiser (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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From Will & Guy.

These are alleged to be real airline cabin crew announcements.  I don’t believe they are, so I can count them as a joke.

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1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’

2. On a Continental Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

3. On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.’

4. ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.’

5. ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

9. ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.’

10. ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’

11. ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’

Joke 119

From Viv again.

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without blinking an eyelid she said, ‘Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.’