Joke 477

Stewardess, circa 1949-50, American Overseas, Flaghip Denmark, Boeing 377 Stratocruiser (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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From Will & Guy.

These are alleged to be real airline cabin crew announcements.  I don’t believe they are, so I can count them as a joke.

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1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, ‘People, people we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!’

2. On a Continental Flight with a very ‘senior’ flight attendant crew, the pilot said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.’

3. On landing, the stewardess said, ‘Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you’re going to leave anything, please make sure it’s something we’d like to have.’

4. ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane.’

5. ‘Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: ‘Whoa, big fella. WHOA!’

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: ‘Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.’

9. ‘In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.’

10. ‘Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.’

11. ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’