Pigs Might Cry

Somebody broke my neighbour’s pig.

About a month ago, a pig suddenly appeared outside his house, snuffling for truffles in the dirt. That’s what everyone thought on first sight, but it was actually a life-size pot pig. It was a popular feature and gave us all a good laugh to see our own astonishment mirrored on our visitors’ faces.

Last night, while we were sleeping, somebody broke it in half. Mean-spirited, but not at all surprising in this neighbourhood. The wonder is that it lasted as long as it did.

R.I.P. Pot Pig, in that great pig sty in the sky.

*

The pig story reminds me that I have written about pigs before: you can read my version of the three little pigs story here; and I wrote this years ago:

Pig Philosophy

I’m pink,
therefore I’m ham.

I thought I was being highly original at the time but in last week’s Quote…Unquote on Radio 4 I heard this version (spotted in a university toilet in the philosophy department):

I’m pink,
therefore I’m spam.

Guess there ain’t nuthin’ new under de sun.

*

Some interesting facts about pigs:

• they are ranked as the fourth-most intelligent animal, after chimps, dolphins and elephants

• they have 44 teeth

• they can live for up to fifteen years

• pigs can swim

• they don’t sweat; that’s why they wallow in mud – to keep cool; it also acts as a sunscreen

• in spite of the mud, they are extremely clean animals

• they respond to their names when called

• a pig’s scream can register as high as 115 decibels

• the largest known pig was called Big Bill: five feet high; nine feet long…mmm…think of all that lovely bacon

• the largest litter was 37 piglets…mmm…think of all that…

*

My favourite Dorothy Parker riposte:

Clare Boothe Luce and DP arrived at a doorway at the same time. CBL gestured for Dot to go first and said, ‘Age before beauty.’ Sweeping through the doorway Ms P replied, ‘Pearls before swine.’

*

Now I’ve made myself hungry. Pigs might fry.