Free Download Of Me

Cartoon Superman (Photo credit: ssoosay) He’s pretty dumb – he still uses a phone box…

English Pen ran a competition: make up a word; use it as a title in a poem or piece of flash fiction.  I did; I didn’t win; but I was a runner-up – one of thirty, from over 400 entries.

That was some weeks ago.  I received an email with the news; then another, telling me where to access a free download of the anthology e-book, The Dictionary Of Made-Up Words.

Cue weeks of frustration.  I could NOT download that damn thing.  I can’t tell you how I struggled, trying to access it.  I have no idea how I ended up with seventeen downloads of the same document on several computers (I thought it might be something to do with the Windows package), but so it was.  It appears I could download it; I just couldn’t read it.

The email offered me a MOBI version for Kindle.  I was told I needed to download a MOBI package to access the e-book.  I was too scared to do that – I’ve heard about these exploding viruses that wipe your hard drive.  The Hub has warned me ever since I learned to switch on a computer by myself: NEVER click ‘Yes’ on an executable file if you don’t know the source.  I don’t know if it was an executable file; I don’t know who this MOBI is, but I suspect he’s a bit of a dick, so I played it safe and that is possibly why I have seventeen downloads of a file I can not access on all computers in the house and even one in Peterborough with Tory Boy.

English Pen asked us to publicise the e-book, but how could I ask you to face the same trials I was facing?

I could not.  I like you all too much to want you to stand beating your heads against a brick wall (or tin wall, for those of you who live in less traditional structures; but it’s still got to hurt).

Ma.ture Technology (Photo credit: ncomment). I think I know why this is funny but I don’t understand most of the language.  Rather like my relationship with computers, actually.

Round about the time I was ready to take a screwdriver to my laptop to see if the book was lurking about in its entrails, the Hub stepped in.

Much shouting ensued, because I was telling him how to do the thing he was doing because I didn’t know how to do it (c’mon ladies…we’ve all done it).  Here’s the gist of it:

HUB (in capitals because he’s yelling): It’s not for your computer, it’s for your Kindle!  All you’ve got to do is transfer it from your laptop to your Kindle!

ME (in capitals because I’m yelling because I’m wrong): Oohhhhhhh….

Me (in lower case because I’m an idiot): And how do I do that?

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You know what the irony of this story is?

My poem is about my inability to use technology. 😀

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piano hazard (Photo credit: Zemlinki!)

You can download the whole book for free (if you need a Hub to hurl abuse at you while that’s happening, mine’s available), for your Kindle, Nook or something else, here.  

They will send you an email with a couple of links.  Don’t ask me for help.

Take some time to read the comments about the winning poem.  They make the Hub and I look like we’re blissfully in love.

For those of you who don’t have an e-reader (or the technology gene), here’s my poem:

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Techneptitude

 

The science 

of misunderstanding an appliance.

 

The groan 

accompanying a new phone.

 

The cry
as an elderly computer dies.

 

The ache
for a simpler age,
when a book had a page.

 

Techneptitude –

technological stupidity

with a hint of decrepitude.

 

 

Dial ‘T’ For Technept

My netbook and I had a disagreement last night.  It got so nasty, there was a casualty.  I was first on the scene.

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In honour of my dear, departed memory stick, I bring you some of Will and Guy’s computer stories:

These are said to be actual calls to computer technical support reps:

Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?

Customer: Yeah…

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…

***

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Customer: A white one.

***

Customer: I can’t get my diskette out.

Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.

Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.

Customer: No…wait a minute…I hadn’t inserted it into the computer yet…it’s still on my desk…sorry…

***

Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.

***

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

***

Tech support: How may I help you?

Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

***

And if you think these are exaggerated, the Hub used to work in computer support and the first question he was taught to ask, to which the answer was almost always ‘No’, was, Is your computer plugged in?

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Computer Says No

Image via Wikipedia

People are too dependent on technology: agree or disagree?

Sorry I took a while to answer this; the internet went down.  I didn’t know what to do with myself so I made a cup of tea (so quick with an electric kettle, America; you should think about getting one), popped in a dvd and watched The Waltons while my washing was in the machine and tonight’s dinner was stewing in the slow cooker.  Once I’d spoken to my sons in Lancaster, the internet was back up and so here I am.

People are too dependent on technology?  I totally disagree.

The Hub Is My Indispensable Technology

My first reaction to the latest WordPress prompt –What’s one piece of technology you can’t live without? – was, of course, The Internet; but then I thought about it.  Not deep thought, like, Where does it come from?  Why is it here?  Does it prove Intelligent Design?, but thought along the lines of, I can’t live without it; please don’t die on me again, Mr Internet (at the risk of sounding sexist, of course it’s male: hangs around the house annoying me and proving it knows everything – it’s the Hub in technological form).

My thought of the day led me to conclude that, actually, it’s the computer I can’t live without.  A world wide web isn’t much use if it doesn’t have a computer to be world wide on; and I need somewhere to store my Christmas shopping list.

But a computer is only as good as the moron who uses it, and I’m the moron for the job.  Remember the other day when I had a computer crisis and couldn’t do the thing?  You all sent me helpful tips that might as well have been in DOS for the trouble I had trying to follow your basic instructions.  Believe me when I say that I very much appreciated the proffered help, and to thank you I ate a box of Maltesers in the name of each of you; but I couldn’t fix the problem.  I knew I was going to have to ask the Hub for help, because that’s why I hang on to him; someone has to fix the computer. 

My need for it is such that I was prepared to brave his wrath the minute he got up (no point mentioning it before I had to and letting him have time to fester and think of good reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near anything more technologically advanced than a pencil). 

And guess what?  That whole turn-it-off-and-turn-it-on-again joke isn’t a joke at all; it’s sound technological advice: I turned the pc on just before he came into the room in order to have the evidence to prove my sin, and it had fixed itself.  I wouldn’t have known this if I hadn’t had the Hub on hand to fix it because I would have left it switched off forever, so, technically, just by being there, the Hub fixed it for me.

Then there’s my backache.  It’s caused by the computer chair, which is really a post-modernist – i.e. streamlined i.e. works without electricity and therefore has no wires – recliner.  The Hub bought it off eBay, thinking it was a luxury computer chair.  When he got it home and realised his mistake, he added castors.  It has done us for ages but it is too low and I am short (though not as short as I ought to be, you may remember) and I have to sit on the edge and strain to reach the keyboard and I have dreadful posture so I’m a sort of Hunchback of Notre Stockport with an aching waist and a permanent bad mood (not the fault of the chair or even the Hub; just my default setting).

As soon as I make the Hub aware of my problem he will fix it: he will source a real computer chair; or requisition Spud’s which is our old one; or add blocks to the top of the castors to raise the chair; or do something ingenious and – more importantly – inexpensive to save my back and keep me blogging and thus accessing the internet.

You see: all technological roads lead to home.  I can’t do without the Hub if I want to use the internet.  He is my technological necessity.  Ouch.  That hurts.  The biter bit.  He is my date; oh, base.  I’d like to keep him peripheral but it’s a hard drive.  It bugs me so much I’ve become a cursor.  I need to access my memory and find a ram.  Marriage – what a gig.

I’m Being Driven Mad By Technologtyicrl%&*

Eek!  I just edited The Book Of Firsts to include http://systematicweasel.wordpress.com/ ‘s firsts and I have just noticed that I edited the wrong post.  Now I have to go back and re-edit to make it my original poem and then edit the updated version in a later post.  Why is there no huge flashing sign available to shout WARNING!  You are editing the wrong post!  You are a technept and an idiot!  WARNING!?

I have only just recovered from the trauma of adding one widget to my blog.  Thank you to everyone who offered help and suggestions, particularly…excuse me while I log out of my personal Googlemail and log in to my laughinghousewife Googlemail to make sure I have the correct name of the link; I may be a while.  To keep you busy, here’s a flashing sign (not flashing, of course, because I am a technept and an idiot) to read to pass the time: WARNING!  You are reading a post put together by a technept and an idiot!  WARNING!…particularly Barbara at…sigh…this could take a while: Barbara sent me several emails detailing exactly what I have to do  to widgetise my blog, even going so far as to include pictures and huge red arrows which worked a treat (once I realised I was looking at the wrong page in wordpress), so thank you thank you thank you Barbara for your help and patience.

Barbara’s blog is…umm…just got to save this so I can go to my comments page to find the address…no, wait a minute…I can open it in a new pag…. 

Where did everything go?

Right, if I just make the faded font black and then re-red the red font which I accidentally made black again and then open up my comments in a new tab – carefully this time – then I can tell you that Barbara – who is wonderfully patient and kind; did I say that already? But whose name I keep typing as ha ha! can you believe it?  I tried to type it how I’ve been accidentally typing it and it came out as – wait for it – Barbara.  I’ve been typing Brarara all this time and having to go back to correct it – Barbrara’s (I give up) blog is http://briarcat.wordpress.com/.  Which you should read not only for the wonderful poetry but also because it is written in coherent English.

Somebody give me a quill.