Joke 905

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th century photos by Eadweard Muybridge. Artistic license has been used to achieve the cartoony look. Animated by J-E Nyström, User:Janke, released under CC-BY-SA-2.5 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Vastly Curious for pointing me in the direction of funnyordie.com, who supplied these jokes.

• Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• Some people say, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” I say, “If you can’t beat them, beat them,” because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
• Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it than it does when you are in it.
• Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
• Whoever coined the phrase, “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it, so I said, “Implants?”
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Joke 842

Publicity photo of Fred Allen for the premiere of the radio program Texaco Star Theater. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and — I can’t remember what the third thing is.   Fred Allen
• “I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you 
remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.   Aaron Karo, on ruminations.com
• A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men, and I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.   Conan O’Brien
• My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right — I feel ten years older already.   Milton Berle

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From rd.com

Joke 782

Signspotting (Photo credit: K@ja)

Seven Fringe Jokes from Edinburgh 2012

• Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.”
• Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.”
• Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
• Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
• Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”
• Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
• Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.’ “

 

Joke 759

And the last of the Tim Viners.  Thanks, Dave!

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

• So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
• So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
• So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
• At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…

Joke 758

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while.  Thanks to my mate Dave for these.

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

• I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
• My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
• So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
• So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

Joke 744

One liners from comedian Steve Wright

• My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
• I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
• Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
• There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
• How does the guy who drives the snow plough get to work in the mornings?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
• If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
• Why is abbreviation such a long word?
• How did a fool and his money get together?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• What’s another word for thesaurus?*
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
• You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

From all over the internet.

*My interest was piqued by that one so I checked with thesaurus.com and the answer is:

• glossary
• language reference book
• lexicon
• onomasticon
• reference book
• sourcebook
• storehouse of words
• terminology
• treasury of words
• vocabulary
• word list

Joke 610

Dave still has plenty of Tim Vine jokes for you.

Bad Pun (Photo credit: Dr Stephen Dann)

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
• So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ‘We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
• When I left home my mum said, ‘Don’t forget to write.’  I thought, ‘That’s unlikely…it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’
• Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
• Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
• So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’
• I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’