Joke 1000

Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

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From buzzle.com

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From the archive:

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A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Trek epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.

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No collection of jokes from the archive would be complete without the incomparable punster Tim Vine:

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

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• So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
• So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
• So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
• At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…
• I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”

• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
• My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
• So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
• So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

• I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
   
• My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
• I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
• Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
• The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
• So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
• Velcro… what a rip-off.
• You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

• You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
• You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
• So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
• I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
• So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

• I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.  It was a bit choppy.
• Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
• I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’  I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’  ’All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
• You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick.  Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
• So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ’We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
• Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
• Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
• So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ’It depends where you’re calling from.’
• I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

 

Joke 787

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here you go:

• I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
  

  An old-style Tipp-Ex bottle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
• I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
• Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
• The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
• So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
• Velcro… what a rip-off. 
• You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

Joke 759

And the last of the Tim Viners.  Thanks, Dave!

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

• So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
• So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
• So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
• I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
• I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
• I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
• At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…

Joke 758

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while.  Thanks to my mate Dave for these.

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

• I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
• So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
• I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
• My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
• So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
• This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
• So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
• So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

Joke 688

Some more Tim Viners from my mate Dave:

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

• You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
• You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
• So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
• You invented Tipp Ex.  Correct me if I’m wrong.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet, ‘Best Before End…’
• So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
• I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
• So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
• I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Joke 673

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here they are:

• I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
• I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
• I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.  It was a bit choppy.
• Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
• I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’  I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’  ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
• You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick.  Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Joke 610

Dave still has plenty of Tim Vine jokes for you.

Bad Pun (Photo credit: Dr Stephen Dann)

• You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
• So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ‘We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
• When I left home my mum said, ‘Don’t forget to write.’  I thought, ‘That’s unlikely…it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’
• Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
• Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
• So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’
• I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

Joke 602

More Tim Viners from my mate Dave.

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said, ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

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And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, ‘Do you earn a living doing that?’ He said, ‘Yes, this is my livelihood.’

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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’

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I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

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So I rang up British Telecom. I said, ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’  He said, ‘Not you again.’

Joke 599

This is a true story from the Reader’s Digest, Australia, sent in by Iain Steven, Rotorua.

 

One rainy night, I stopped to pick up two hitch-hikers on a lonely road and was a little concerned when a third man appeared with an object in his hand. My fears were allayed by their story. After their vehicle ran out of fuel, they had got a lift to town, bought a can of petrol and were trudging back.

I drove them to their car amid effusive thanks, then proceeded feeling very much the Good Samaritan.

Next morning, I found the can of petrol still on the back floor.

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Another true story, this time from the Reader’s Digest, Canada, sent in by Alvin T. Parker.

Lassie friendship ring (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One overcast evening I passed the principal of York University’s Glendon College, Toronto, who was out looking for his missing Lassie look-alike. He told me the dog often ran away, so he had put a metal tag on its collar asking that anyone finding the dog send it home in a taxi.

A few days later I again met the principal, and he told me that as he was trudging home during a downpour that night, his snug and dry dog had passed him in a taxi.

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And for those of you who prefer jokes to true stories, here’s a Tim Viner:

This bloke said to me, ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.’

I thought, ‘That’s a turn-up for the books.’

Joke 593

More Tim Vine jokes, courtesy of my old school friend, Dave.

Notifies people of a joke. (SVG version) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

• So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog’s died.”

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

• So I went down the local supermarket. I said, “I want to make a complaint: this vinegar’s got lumps in it.” He said, “Those are pickled onions.”

Joke 588

Tim Vine (Photo credit: DLNY)

I enjoyed those one-liners* the other day so much, I treat you to some more, courtesy of Tim Vine, via the Telegraph.

• Exit signs?  They’re on the way out!
• Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts.  I said, ‘You just can’t let it go, can you?’
• I saw this advert in a window that said, “Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.”  I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.’
• Do you ever get that when you’re halfway through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was’?
• Velcro?  What a rip-off!

 

Joke 586

Vines (Photo credit: Ted & Dani Percival)

From punoftheday.

I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden.

It didn’t have much of a plot.

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I love one-liners like this (it’s only on two lines because space is limited), so I found a few more for you on the Telegraph website, of all places.

Tim Vine (this one won him an award):

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

Tim with another award winner:

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.

Matt Kirshen:

I was playing chess with my friend and he said ‘Let’s make this more interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.

Mr Vine again (I’m a fan):

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.