Tag Archives: Tim Vine

Joke 1000

18 Dec

Every ten years, monks in a monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.

Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

It’s the big day a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

“I’m not surprised,” says the head monk. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

*

From buzzle.com

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From the archive:

*

A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday. “I’d love to be eight again,” she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald’s where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Trek epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?”

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size!”

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.

 *

No collection of jokes from the archive would be complete without the incomparable punster Tim Vine:

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

*

  • So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
  • So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
  • So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
  • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
  • I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
  • At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…
  • I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
  • So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
  • I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
  • My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
  • So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
  • So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  • So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”
  • I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
     
  • My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
  • I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
  • Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
  • The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
  • So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  • When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
  • Velcro… what a rip-off.
  • You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’
  • You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
  • So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
  • I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
  • So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
  • I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
  • I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
  • I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.  It was a bit choppy.
  • Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
  • I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’  I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’  ’All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
  • You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick.  Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
  • So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ’We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
  • Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
  • Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
  • So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ’It depends where you’re calling from.’
  • I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’

 

Joke 787

19 May

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here you go:

  • I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.

    An old-style Tipp-Ex bottle.

    An old-style Tipp-Ex bottle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  • My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
  • I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
  • Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
  • The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
  • So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
  • When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
  • Velcro… what a rip-off. 
  • You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’

Joke 759

21 Apr

And the last of the Tim Viners.  Thanks, Dave!

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert

Tim Vine The Joke-Amotive promotional advert (Photo credit: http://www.theedinburghblog.co.uk)

  • So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
  • So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says, “Audi!”
  • So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that’s aboriginal.
  • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It’s tiny, you couldn’t swing a cat in there.
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
  • I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”
  • At least it’s comfortable on Eurostar; it’s murder on the Orient Express…

Joke 758

20 Apr

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while.  Thanks to my mate Dave for these.

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival F...

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

  • I went to the doctor. I said to him, “I’m frightened of lapels.” He said, “You’ve got cholera.”
  • So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R.
  • I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn’t put it down.
  • My mate asked me, “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said, “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”
  • So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana.” He said, “No, this is for the custard.”
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, “I want you to trace someone for me.”
  • So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
  • So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, it’s a permanent job.”

Joke 688

9 Feb

Some more Tim Viners from my mate Dave:

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival F...

Tim Vine: The funniest of Edinburgh Festival Fringe one-liners (Photo credit: Ninian Reid)

  • You see I’m against hunting, in fact I’m a hunt saboteur.  I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes.  He’s a catholic converter.
  • So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase and he went “T’PAU!”  I said, “Don’t you mean KAPOW?  He said, “No, I’ve got china in my hand.”
  • You invented Tipp Ex.  Correct me if I’m wrong.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet, ‘Best Before End…’
  • So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said, “Analogue.”  I said, “No, just a watch.”
  • I went into a shop and I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”  The bloke said, “Kenwood.” I said, “Where is he?”
  • So I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”
  • I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.  They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Joke 673

25 Jan

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here they are:

  • I’ll tell you what makes my blood boil…crematoriums.
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.  I thought, ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.’
  • I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.  It was a bit choppy.
  • Did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril, it will give birth to a litter of Twiglets?
  • I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, ‘How many potatoes would you like Tim?’  I said, ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one, please.’ She said, ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’  ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
  • You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick.  Yes – I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.

Joke 610

23 Nov

Dave still has plenty of Tim Vine jokes for you.

Bad Pun

Bad Pun (Photo credit: Dr Stephen Dann)

  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.  They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’  So that was nice.
  • So I went down my local ice cream shop, and said, ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’.  He said, ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said,  ‘We’ll start with one.’  He said, ‘Knickerbocker glory?’  I said, ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.’
  • When I left home my mum said, ‘Don’t forget to write.’  I thought, ‘That’s unlikely…it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?’
  • Exit signs – they’re on the way out, aren’t they?
  • Now, most dentists’ chairs go up and down, don’t they?  The one I was in went back and forwards.  I thought, ‘This is unusual.’  And the dentist said to me, ‘Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
  • So I rang up my local swimming baths.  I said, ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’  He said,  ‘It depends where you’re calling from.’
  • I rang up a local building firm.  I said, ‘I want a skip outside my house.’  He said, ‘I’m not stopping you.’
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