Joke 905

14 Sep
Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th centu...

Animated horse, made by rotoscoping 19th century photos by Eadweard Muybridge. Artistic license has been used to achieve the cartoony look. Animated by J-E Nyström, User:Janke, released under CC-BY-SA-2.5 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks to Vastly Curious for pointing me in the direction of funnyordie.com, who supplied these jokes.

  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • Some people say, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” I say, “If you can’t beat them, beat them,” because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it than it does when you are in it.
  • Hallmark Card: “I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”
  • Whoever coined the phrase, “Quiet as a mouse” has never stepped on one.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it, so I said, “Implants?”
  • I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
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15 Responses to “Joke 905”

  1. slpmartin September 14, 2013 at 04:03 #

    There were some very cute ones in this list of jokes.

    Like

  2. vastlycurious.com September 14, 2013 at 04:23 #

    I never read any of the sites I found, I need no credits so shhhhh. This was hilarious !!! I had 10 favorites at least and I guess especially this: Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    Like

  3. Terry September 14, 2013 at 04:25 #

    I Love this one
    Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

    Like

    • The Laughing Housewife September 14, 2013 at 07:44 #

      I’m guessing that’s going to be a popular one…especially amongst Americans 🙂

      Wouldn’t it be good if the law changed so every state had to field a candidate for President?

      Like

  4. SchmidleysScribbling September 14, 2013 at 19:08 #

    Regarding things touching you underwater. My EX once grabbed my ankle when we were swimming off the coast in California during a shark scare. Now you know why he is an EX. Dianne

    Like

  5. Grannymar September 15, 2013 at 17:02 #

    I mumble a lot, does that mean………….

    Like

  6. Barbara September 24, 2013 at 08:40 #

    I love these…..

    Ok time to get up and stop reading Tilly’s jokes!!

    You’re not going to stop at 1000 are you?

    Like

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