I Speak Truth: Don’t Trust Me

Have you ever lied about your age? Why?

I have never lied about my age.  I never saw the point.  I have always looked younger than I am: a pain at eighteen when I was the oldest in our group but the only one who had to show i.d. to get into a disco; not such a bother now.

How old do you think I am here?

Oscar Wilde once said:

One should never trust a woman who tells one her real age. A woman who would tell one that would tell one anything.

Those of you who’ve been reading my blog for a while know that Oscar is probably right.

 

Rules And Adulation

Image by WorthingTheatres via Flickr

Having just watched Percy Jackson and the Lightning Bolt, I’m a little miffed that Uma Thurman in a bad hat or as a severed head with snakes for hair still looks better than I do.  Must be all that Hollywood clean living: I know those poor multi-millionaire actresses have to spend a lot of time abiding by strict diet and lifestyle regimens to maintain their lush looks and fabulous figures.  Therefore, I have decided to set a few rules and general guidelines to make Tilly Bud Tilly Blooming Lovely, Non-Repeller, Relaxed, Affable, Clean, and at peace with herself, and then everyone will love her:

Presentation:

• Tilly Bud shall forthwith cease and desist speaking of herself in the third person.
• I’ll stop the pompous gobbledygook and balderdash as well.
• I will address the next lot of rules to ‘you’ because the use of first person negates the funny.  Take it as read that ‘you’ is ‘me’.

Diet:

• When you eat the last Malteser, don’t open another box for at least an hour.
• Stop eating: you cannot starve to death in a morning.
• Exercise is not the enemy.  Dance, be a flibbertigibbet, chase the Hub around the house.
• Galaxy Bubbles are not an acceptable substitute for Maltesers.  Nor are Galaxy bars, Galaxy Ripples or Galaxy Minstrels.
• They can, however, be enjoyed as a side dish.

Home:

• Never miss an opportunity to clean.
• The synchronicity of a dust bunny behind the couch and a vacuum cleaner in your hand should never be overlooked.

Computer:

• Nothing bad will happen if you stay offline for ten minutes.
• If your hand resembles a claw, put down the mouse and step away from the pc.

Family:

• It’s okay to be nice to the Hub.
• Really.
• Just because your child didn’t call doesn’t mean you are
• A) a bad mother or
• B) he doesn’t love you. It means he’s a bad son who doesn’t appreciate your stretch marks.
• Dogs are not substitute children.

Blog:

• It’s okay to be nice about the Hub.
• Really.
• Serendipity gave him to you; keep him sweet by throwing out the occasional compliment.

General:

• Stupid is as stupid does: pick a side.
• Life is like a box of chocolates: you can be a soft centre and a nut.
• Really.
• Forrest Gump is not the Oracle.  And that’s all I have to say about that.
• Never miss an opportunity to laugh (the first point under ‘Home’ refers)



What would your rules be?  Why not blog about them and leave a link here?