Joke 685

6 Feb

More from Phyllis Diller.

English: Phyllis Diller

English: Phyllis Diller (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks, Terry!

  • If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  • I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
  • I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic cheques show a ghetto.
  • My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
  • I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  • The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
  • It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
  • There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?

14 Responses to “Joke 685”

  1. adinparadise February 6, 2013 at 04:29 #

    Love the tranquiliser one. 😀


  2. SidevieW February 6, 2013 at 04:54 #

    I stole the minute and a haf one


  3. siggiofmaine February 6, 2013 at 05:10 #

    I like these even better than the others….a few of my favorites.☺


  4. slpmartin February 6, 2013 at 05:32 #

    Okay…so now I have to go out and buy one of her joke books…which also means I’ll have to sell at least one photo this week. 🙂


  5. Katharine Trauger February 6, 2013 at 06:08 #

    Oh, I laughed at the mil’s trick knee!


    • vivinfrance February 6, 2013 at 11:18 #

      I didn’t get that one! My favourite is the advice to marry a man your own age. Seems to have worked for me!


      • Katharine Trauger February 6, 2013 at 18:20 #

        Umm — has to do with the effects of gravity on aged breasts . . . 😉


  6. bevchen February 6, 2013 at 09:03 #

    LOL!! Loved the ironing ones – I hate ironing!


  7. robincoyle February 6, 2013 at 16:15 #

    You both crack me up.


  8. SchmidleysScribbling February 6, 2013 at 17:08 #

    She had a wicked tongue, and i loved her. My Mom’s favorite too. Dianne


  9. viveka February 6, 2013 at 23:46 #

    “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing”. – this feeling I have every 2 weeks. Very witty and funny lady … brilliant quotes all of them – “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee”.- absolutely priceless. Thanks for this one, big smile before bed.


  10. Grannymar February 7, 2013 at 12:49 #

    The photo frightened me. I have now turned all mirrors to the wall in my house!


I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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