Joke 685

6 Feb

More from Phyllis Diller.

English: Phyllis Diller

English: Phyllis Diller (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Thanks, Terry!

  • If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
  • You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
  • I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
  • What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
  • The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
  • I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
  • His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
  • Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
  • My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
  • There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic cheques show a ghetto.
  • My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
  • Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
  • I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
  • The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
  • You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
  • It’s a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I’d be rotten to the core.
  • There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
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14 Responses to “Joke 685”

  1. adinparadise February 6, 2013 at 04:29 #

    Love the tranquiliser one. 😀

    Like

  2. SidevieW February 6, 2013 at 04:54 #

    I stole the minute and a haf one

    Like

  3. siggiofmaine February 6, 2013 at 05:10 #

    I like these even better than the others….a few of my favorites.☺

    Like

  4. slpmartin February 6, 2013 at 05:32 #

    Okay…so now I have to go out and buy one of her joke books…which also means I’ll have to sell at least one photo this week. 🙂

    Like

  5. Katharine Trauger February 6, 2013 at 06:08 #

    Oh, I laughed at the mil’s trick knee!

    Like

    • vivinfrance February 6, 2013 at 11:18 #

      I didn’t get that one! My favourite is the advice to marry a man your own age. Seems to have worked for me!

      Like

      • Katharine Trauger February 6, 2013 at 18:20 #

        Umm — has to do with the effects of gravity on aged breasts . . . 😉

        Like

  6. bevchen February 6, 2013 at 09:03 #

    LOL!! Loved the ironing ones – I hate ironing!

    Like

  7. robincoyle February 6, 2013 at 16:15 #

    You both crack me up.

    Like

  8. SchmidleysScribbling February 6, 2013 at 17:08 #

    She had a wicked tongue, and i loved her. My Mom’s favorite too. Dianne

    Like

  9. viveka February 6, 2013 at 23:46 #

    “I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing”. – this feeling I have every 2 weeks. Very witty and funny lady … brilliant quotes all of them – “My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee”.- absolutely priceless. Thanks for this one, big smile before bed.

    Like

  10. Grannymar February 7, 2013 at 12:49 #

    The photo frightened me. I have now turned all mirrors to the wall in my house!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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