smiley face stickers (Photo credit: South Carolina’s Northern Kingdom)
You may remember the poetry reading I gave in September at Walthew House, which supports Stockport’s blind and deaf people. I gave another this morning. No microphone juggling today – we all sat around a table.
Last time, it was mostly doom and gloom about my years in South Africa; this time, I read lighthearted poems by other poets, and poems of my own along similar themes.
The group is delightful and kept me on my toes because some of them, as readers, are much more knowledgeable about poets than I am.
Despite the dry mouth and two full glasses of water – excuse me while I pop to the loo again – I really enjoyed myself.
And so did they: I’ve been invited to come back in the spring.
How can you tell an Italian witch from an English one? By her suntan.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.
When is it unlucky to see a black cat? When you’re a mouse.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
What do you get if you cross a hairdresser with a werewolf? A monster with an all over perm.
Why are banshees good tennis players? They make a good old racket.
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These were all lifted straight from Tom Merriman’s blog, Within the Sphere, because I have no shame – in intellectual property theft or in sharing terrible jokes. I love ’em.
A man bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: ‘Free to good home. You want it, you take it.’
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal, so he changed the sign to read: ‘Fridge for sale $50.’
The next day, someone stole it.
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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted, ‘Look at that dead bird!’
Someone looked up at the sky and said, ‘Where?’
They walk among us!
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While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, ‘Does the sun rise in the north?’
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said, ‘Oh, I don’t keep up with all that stuff…’
They walk among us!
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My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard a girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said she ‘didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving.’
They walk among us!
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A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. They walk among us.
We were given a lesson in basic meditation. Not sure it’s for me because the only people I know with third eyes appeared in Total Recall, but the deep breathing tip really helped:
Nasty bus driver? Breathe in…breathe out…
Unexpected bill? Breathe in…breathe out…
Hub wants his dinner? Breathe in…hit out…
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Tuesday
A.M. Seven poetry books arrived from Amazon, thanks to my lovely friend Early Bird, who sent me a gift voucher. I was able to buy collections from poets I love but can’t usually afford. Thank you, EB!
Seven books for one reader!
P.M. The dentist. Ummmm…not what I’d usually consider a pleasant experience, especially when x-rayed teeth are involved, but I was so relieved to learn there is no infection in my mouth that I count the visit as the highlight of my day.
Every student bar needs the perfect setting.
Wednesday
A trip to Sheffield. Ecky thump! No one told me how pretty a city it is:
Such a pretty view…
A third of it is under the Peak District National Park and there are four trees to every person. Spud loved it.
We toured the campus… i.e. the city centre. Also one of the two student villages – there was a sports bar with a huge TV, which Spud took as a good omen. We had our picnic lunch in the Students’ Union (voted No. 1 in the UK). Everyone was lovely, friendly, helpful. I loved it.
We had time to kill between events so we visited the museum:
The highlight of Spud’s day was the visit to the Psychology lecture theatre. There were about fifty people in the room, half of them prospective students; Spud was one of just three males. Apparently, it’s more popular with girls than boys; though all of the top Psychology people cited by the (female) lecturer were men. The professor gave a fascinating talk, which left me half-inclined to enrol myself.
Spud came out of the room with a huge grin on his face.
Mum:Did you enjoy that? I think you’re really going to love it here. The course sounds so good.
Spud:Did you see the ratio of girls to boys??
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Thursday
A.M. To the doctor, to discuss test results and why I’m chronically knackered this year.
Doctor:menopause menopause menopause
P.M.
Earl Grey Tea in a fancy place in Manchester, with the stickiest, ickiest table I’ve ever been adhered to.
Click photos to see original links
That was followed by Seven Brides For Seven Brothers and a funny, rip-roarin’ romp of an afternoon. Sam Attwater, former soap star, a winner of Dancing On Ice, can act, sing, dance and ice skate. I’d never have married the Hub if I’d known the perfect man was out there. I just needed to wait fifteen years.
Dinner at Café Rouge. Yum, yum and triple-yum is all I can say. Oh, and hic.
Who’d believe that between us we’re a hundred years old?
French Onion Soup, not made in Belgium
Champagne toast! (There was toast? Darn, I missed it)
A steak dinner, a bit of bubbly and the best company
Pudding. Why I’ll never be truly slim again
Thanks go to my lovely friend Louise, whose birthday treat for me it was; and who was also fifty this year, so it was a double celebration.
Thank you, Louise, for the wonderful, wonderful day.
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Friday
Ender’s Game experience (Photo credit: Todd Awbrey)
Ender’s Game opened. At last at last at last! How have I managed to go twenty years without a movie of my favourite book?
Contrary to expectations, I didn’t hate it. I enjoyed it. I’d have liked a lot more Battle Room scenes but there wasn’t the time. The Battle Room itself was fabulous. Asa Butterfield was good. Harrison Ford almost made me believe he can act. Great stuff all round.
There were some changes, naturally, but they worked, for the most part, so I won’t complain; but I did agree with this critic that the
overly dry script feels like it’s trying too hard to cram everything in, yet still feels insubstantial. The key character beats are all there, but because you move from one to the next in the blink of an eye, there’s no sense of character evolution – one minute Ender’s a raw rookie, the next he’s an accomplished leader and saviour-of-humanity elect.
By the way, if you think you’re going to see Harry Potter meets Star Wars, you’re not. Read the book.
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After the cinema, I shared my final birthday gift with Spud and Hub: a £20 Nando’s voucher from my good friend Alison (who also bought me flowers on the day; as well as a meal and a trip to see Ghost the Musical).
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In conclusion:
A great week; a great summer; a great way to turn fifty. Thank you to everyone who made it happen. Old people don’t come more blessed than me 🙂
She was dozing happily in the sun when she heard the sounds, the sounds that she had heard so often before. The yelp of terror, the whirring of a rope uncoiling, the thump of someone hitting dry earth, and the echoing clank of the same someone being hit on the head by a tin bucket.
Timmy had fallen down the well again.
Lassie sighed, climbed to her paws, and set off to let somebody know.
Other dogs didn’t have to put up with this crap, she told herself. Timmy and his four owners spent each summer holiday in search of dark catacombs, hidden treasure, and high teas. Snoopy spent most of his life asleep on top his kennel. The Hound of the Baskervilles (or Snuffles, as all they knew him) got to terrorise the entire Devonshire moors with his huge footprints, flame-red eyes and blood-freezing late-night yowl.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one? And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Funny dog (Photo credit: kattebelletje)
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Labrador: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I’ve led these people from the dark, checked to make sure I haven’t missed any, and made just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? What light bulb? I can’t see anything.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still mess on the carpet in the dark.
Yorkshire Terrier: Sure; let me just bark and bark and bark at it first. Where’s my treat?
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there…
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
A funny picture of a cat on streets in Riga, Latvia. Visit http://www.startlatvia.com for more information about Latvia. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
The Cat’s Answer: ‘Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs.
So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?’
Proving once again that, while dogs have masters, cats have staff.
A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, ”Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby brooch, and gold Rolex.”
“But you’re not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.
“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery.”
pedestrians reduce speed (Photo credit: Leonard John Matthews)
Two small county judges were both arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other’s case.
The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant’s table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too, whereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. “I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!” he fumed.
The first judge looked stern and replied, “This is the second such case we’ve had in here today. Someone has to get tough on all this speeding!”
As far as the rest of me goes, here’s this week’s schedule:
Monday PM: A free stressbuster workshop in Stockport. It’s free! And a workshop! Why would you think I wouldn’t go?
Tuesday PM: Dentist-mouth search-lots of gagging (she says my breath stinks).
Wednesday All Day: A visit to Sheffield University with Spud, to check it out. Yay! Trains! I love trains!
Thursday AM: Very AM, 07:50 a.m., to be precise. Doctor’s appointment-begging-pleading-fix my whinging please, doctor!
Thursday Middle of the PM: Seven Brides For Seven Brothers at the Manchester Opera House with generous friend for final fiftieth birthday treat; followed by dinner out. Singin’-dancin’-sobbin’ wimmin. Almost as good as travelling on trains!
Friday Middle of the PM: Ender’s Game opens in cinemas. The Hub has already warned me I’m going to hate it because it won’t be like I see it in my head when I read (and re-read and re-read) the book. I don’t care. He’s taking me.
You won’t see much of me online so please don’t take it personally.
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers – Movie CD cover (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me. Despite all this, I am a little vain. This photograph is from 2003. I had to go back that far to find one of me that I liked. But I don’t really care: my husband still thinks I’m beautiful and if he doesn’t, he loves me enough to lie about it. I’m lucky. I have two boys. They never lie to me. Still, you can't have everything.
The Laughing Housewife 
I have the funniest readers in the blogosphere (not necessarily ha ha…)