I thought for part three (?) (I’ve lost track. I suspect some of you have lost the will to live) of the story – because I’ve had a happy but busy day, it’s late and I’m too tired to be original – I would post something I wrote ten years ago. In my defence, I haven’t c+p because I didn’t know how to save documents on a computer back then, so I dug out the original and typed it up in my own fair hand whilst cursing you and wishing for my bed.
How To Get On Television
- Be green or, as some section of the atrociously wicked (facinorous) print media would have it, mean.
- Be completely misrepresented in a certain Sunday piece of trash writing tabloid jerk newspaper (bitter? Not at all).
- Answer the door to a stranger who turns out to be a neighbour.
- Listen in increasing astonishment as the neighbour asks if it’s true we are ex-directory and were in The Certain Sunday Piece of Trash Writing Tabloid Jerk Newspaper because if so it’s not a wind-up and the people at Channel Four’s The Big Breakfast went to the trouble of tracking down her number to ask her to ask me will I please phone this number at The Big Breakfast if I want to be on telly?
- Immediately phone The Big Breakfast because I want to be on telly.
- Hear a total stranger (not a neighbour) offer me and my family a week in London, on the telly, all expenses paid; day trips out and famous people thrown in.
- Say yes.
- Complete the application forms that arrive in next day’s post. With difficulty, because my nails are chewed down to the knuckles in the fear that it really is a wind-up.
- Wait.
- Wait.
- Swear one or two hundred of my closest friends to secret because I’ll burst if I don’t tell someone.
- Wait.
- Go 93 hours without sleep.
- Wait.
- Answer the phone to hear Scott say, Hello, this is Scott from The Big Breakfast. We’ve decided not to use your family next week.
- Be cool and laid back about being rejected and humiliated, not act like some pathetic gangrel, begging for a chance to be famous for five times fifteen minutes: Okay, fine.
- Baffled silence.
- Let Scott confuse me: So is Thursday night all right for us to come and film?
- Be sorry: I’m sorry?
- Let Scott confuse me some more: We’d like to come and film you all at home on Thursday, or possibly Friday.
- Be less sorry: Sorry? Did you say you DO want to use us next week?
- Fall in love with Scott: Yes, that’s right. I thought you didn’t react much. Are you excited?
- Be cool and laid back about being selected; I am British, after all: Oh, yes. It should be nice.
- Put down the phone.
- Wish I’d remembered to say ta-ra to Scott first. Oh well, he has my number; and my neighbour’s.
- Run around the room in an orgasmic frenzy chanting, I’m going to be telly! I’m going to be on telly!
- Finally get Andy Warhol.
- Spend from now until Friday morning cleaning the house; and then cleaning it again. I may be green and mean but I’m not dirty. Not when I’m expecting film crews, anyway.
- Ignore the Hub when he tells me I’m overdoing it – it is perhaps just a teeny-weeny bit slightly maybe possible that they will want to film the far corner behind the wine rack on the top kitchen cupboard, so it’s good to be prepared.
- Glow like a clean house with excitement.
- Answer the door to the film crew…
Look out for part four tomorrow, in which I tease out the details some more, in the hope of stretching this story to a full week’s worth of blog posts.
As a sweetener, the Hub has promised to try to upload some of the video from our week on The Big Breakfast.
And remind me to explain the tea bags, which I realise I haven’t yet done.
Related articles
- Telly, Part Two (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com)
- I Was Accidentally On Telly (thelaughinghousewife.wordpress.com)
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