Joke 559

3 Oct

Thanks to Granny1947 for this one.

Unidentified Flying Object

Unidentified Flying Object (Photo credit: eisenrah)

Points to Ponder

  • I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
  • Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
  • The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
  • Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
  • Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • How is it one careless match can start a bushfire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
  • Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
  • Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there? I’m going to eat the next thing that comes out of its backside.’
  • Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  • If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  • If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
  • Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you; but when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?
  • Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
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24 Responses to “Joke 559”

  1. terry1954 October 3, 2012 at 04:04 #

    those were funnier than the backside of a chicken!!!! hehe

    Like

  2. pouringmyartout October 3, 2012 at 04:13 #

    Awesome. I thought a weed was just any plant you don’t really want. I am so naive.

    Like

  3. jmgoyder October 3, 2012 at 05:02 #

    Oh I love the blue one (going through a blue phase!)

    Like

  4. slpmartin October 3, 2012 at 05:21 #

    Oh…these were perfect to read just before bed…nothing like going to bed with a smile….thanks!

    Like

  5. vivinfrance October 3, 2012 at 06:41 #

    Sorry, I can’t answer those questions.

    Like

  6. benzeknees October 3, 2012 at 08:47 #

    Good questions, all! I think I would also want to know what makes Maltesers so good?

    Like

  7. lanceleuven October 3, 2012 at 09:42 #

    Nice! The ‘Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.’ one makes me think of the Bill Hicks jokes where he says to non-smokers ‘When you die doctors are going to be saying, “If only you’d smoked. Then we’d have the technology to help you!”‘

    Like

  8. idiosyncratic eye October 3, 2012 at 12:15 #

    Very profound. I think a lot of them occur due to that fascinating universal law of Murphy. 🙂

    Like

  9. bluebee October 3, 2012 at 12:28 #

    So many of these had me laughing out loud – thanks for cheering up a very blubee
    Am sending these to my vegan health nut niece –
    “Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.” Haha

    Like

  10. sharechair October 3, 2012 at 13:32 #

    How many times have I bought a replacement, only to find the “original” as soon as used the new one! It’s a Law of the Universe.

    Like

    • Forever Bound Art October 3, 2012 at 18:06 #

      I just placed some vintage shuttlecocks in my store. Wonder if I should put some vaseline glass underneath and black light it. Think anyone would want a green glowing shuttlecock for sale? 🙂

      Like

  11. sarsm October 3, 2012 at 22:52 #

    Brilliant. The weed one is an absolutely useful bit of knowledge, for us, attempting-to-be gardeners.

    Thank you!!

    Like

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch.

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