Joke 812

Time for some Groucho Marx.  You’ve probably heard them all but they are always worth sharing again.

• No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.
• Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
• Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
• Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well, I have others.
• A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
• One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
• Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
• From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
• My favourite poem is the one that starts ‘Thirty days hath September’ because it actually tells you something.
• I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it.
• I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
• Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.
• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
• Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
• Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
• She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.
• I intend to live forever, or die trying.
• I find television very educational. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
  

From brainyquote.