Joke 787

We haven’t had any Tim Viners for a while, so here you go:

• I went out on a date with Simile. I don’t know what I metaphor.
  

  An old-style Tipp-Ex bottle. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

• My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.
• I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
• I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper… dicing with death.
• Albinos – you can’t say fairer than that.
• The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
• So I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said: “How flexible are you?” I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
• When I left home, my mum said: “Don’t forget to write.” I thought: “That’s unlikely – it’s a basic skill, isn’t it?”
• Velcro… what a rip-off. 
• You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I’m wrong.
• I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
• I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet ‘Best Before End…’